Divorced LGBTQ+ parents lead growing trend of “bird nesting” to give kids more stability

While traditional divorce arrangements still remain most common, an increasingly popular arrangement called “bird nesting” allows the kids to stay in one home while the parents alternate.

And according to a report in Good Housekeeping, bird nesting is more popular among LGBTQ+ couples. “This likely reflects in part their lesser likelihood of conforming to gender norms related to how post-divorce co-parenting is supposed to go,” explained clinical psychology professor Abbie Goldberg.

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“Neither of us can believe this is really happening after years of thinking we might never have children.”

Kathleen Meyer and Judith Franklin (not their real names) bird nested for five years and said their kids “both acknowledge that their lives changed very little when we separated, which made it a million times easier for them. With bird nesting, the most challenging aspect is the separation itself and the emotions that go along with that – not the living arrangement.”

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As in this couple’s experience, many experts believe bird nesting is easier on kids because it does not upend their lives in the same way as moving between two different homes every few days. It also provides kids with a longer time to process the divorce, focusing on getting used to seeing their parents separately without also having to deal with major changes to their living situations.

Some people see bird nesting as a permanent solution, while others see it as a first step. And while for many it works very well, there are also challenges.

“It keeps the co-parents in each other’s spaces,” explained marriage and family therapist Aurisha Smolarski, “thus opening up the possibility of more conflict, tension, and frustration about household issues, responsibilities, and even dating.”

Therapist Erin Pash added that bird nesting should be avoided when the couple is simply too angry at one another to amicably execute it.

“The goal throughout divorce is to adequately support children through the changes and transitions by reducing conflict in the parent relationship,” Pash said. “So while nesting might seem like a win-win for the kids, if parents can’t do it right and it just increases more conflict, it can actually be more damaging for the children than having them adjust to transitions like moving out of the family home.” 

Oona Metz, a psychotherapist who specializes in treating divorced women, said parents should not promise their kids that any situation will be permanent because things will inevitably change and evolve. The only promise parents should make, Metz said, is “we will always be your parents and we will always love you.”