The sober LGBTQ+ community has become increasingly visible & it feels like the dawn of a revolution

Every month, I post a new selfie to the “Gay & Sober Men” Facebook group to celebrate reaching another milestone. At four years sober last November, I’m reminded how far I’ve come, how I nearly didn’t make it, and how I cherish the LGBTQ+ sober community that I didn’t even know existed when I was at my glorious rock bottom.

There wasn’t a single point in time when I realized I crossed the invisible line into alcohol dependency. Ironically, it was only when I abruptly stopped drinking (e.g. went “cold turkey”) that the first signs emerged. After experiencing severe bouts of severe withdrawal, my diagnosis was confirmed.

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When I embarked on what I hoped would be my fourth and final detox from alcohol addiction in November 2019, I didn’t know anyone in my network who was LGBTQ+ with alcohol addiction and also in recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I knew plenty of people who clearly had long-term issues with alcohol. But I didn’t know anyone who had openly said, “I am in recovery, and you can do it too.” If such a person existed, it may have saved me many trips to the emergency room, several drunken suicide attempts, and four psychiatric hospital admissions. 

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My addiction was the result of a combination of different factors that can simply be summarized as “trauma.” Whereas I found community for my other issues like mental health, eating disorders, and surviving sexual assault, there seemed to be a void when it came to substance use problems. Only recently has an international community of LGBTQ+ teetotalers begun to emerge both online and offline. To me, it feels like the dawn of a revolution.

The first time I ever heard about such a movement was when someone told me they were both a “friend of Bill” and a “friend of Dorothy.” I had attended a handful of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but was not a formal member of the program. I didn’t realize the significance of being a “friend of Bill” until much later (Bill Wilson co-founded AA in 1935). 

Astonishingly, up to 25% of LGBTQ+ people are likely to have moderate substance use disorders, compared to 5-10% of the general population. That does not take into account all those who drink; it is just an indicator of those who have been identified as having a problematic relationship with alcohol. 

It is often assumed that those who go on to develop addictions have always relied on alcohol, but that might not be the case. I didn’t start drinking until I was 23 – when I was tricked into it by a friend who spiked my Diet Coke with vodka. By 31, I was in a detox rehab. While it was my decision to continue drinking, my experience highlights the normalization of our dangerous drinking culture and the constant pressure and expectation to drink. 

Fortunately, attitudes have shifted in the past few years, and sobriety has now become the new “cool.” There have been a few high-profile LGBTQ+ folk who have spoken about their struggles with alcohol in recent times – notable examples include Elton John, Demi Lovato, Kelly Osbourne, RuPaul, and Sia. With more celebrities and influencers sharing their recovery journies, others can more easily access the encouragement they need to get started, and most importantly, to keep going and reap the long-term benefits. 

These days, there are many LGBTQ+-focused AA group meetings around the world. They are listed on the Gay and Sober website, which may be a good place to start. There are also a growing number of sober spaces such as coffee shops, bookstores, pride events, bars, and club nights popping up all over the US, Canada, and beyond. They provide space for LGBTQ+ people to gather, find peer support, make friends, and expand their networks. 

I find it extremely promising that these venues are increasingly perceived less as “alternative” and more as go-to spaces where people can have just as much fun as at “regular” commercial venues. However, it needs to be said that LGBTQ+ sober resources are still lacking in some areas. If there were more options available, it would help promote healthier and happier lifestyles for all. 

Shame is often fuel to the fire for many people with addiction. What helped change the game in my recovery was the realization that the shame I was carrying was never mine to own. Other people’s shame of me – whether it be related to my sexual orientation or my addiction – belonged to them. This was the catalyst for change that helped me to deal with my underlying issues in trauma therapy. 

In the recovery community, it’s often said that the opposite of addiction is connection. I learned that my recovery had to be far bigger than my illness ever was. The expectation to be anonymous in addiction recovery seems counterintuitive for LGBTQ+ people who have spent a lifetime fighting to be visible. For that reason, I choose not to be anonymous in sharing my recovery story with others, especially in our community. 

From thinking there was no hope for LGBTQ+ folk like me to realizing I am one of many survivors, I’m glad to have finally found my people. It also reminds me how important it is for those of us who embrace a life of teetotalism to keep flying the Sober Pride flag (someone please invent one). We never know who we might inspire to find the freedom they didn’t know was available.

Thankfully, the line between alcohol dependency and the realms of recovery feels so much clearer to me now. At least I have a map, and the friendly locals are more than willing to help guide me on my way. 

Resources:

If you are LGBTQ+, concerned about your drinking and looking for support, please visit the Gay and Sober website. They offer daily online meetings, educational recovery programming, and in-person events. They are also holding their annual Gay & Sober men’s conference with a “Superheroes” theme in New York on June 27th for gay men in recovery. 

Rainbow Hill Recovery is an LGBTQ+ rehabilitation center that offers an intensive outpatient program, partial hospitalization program, and outpatient services, including counseling, group therapy, and aftercare.

Sam Thomas is a writer, campaigner, and public speaker. He is working on a fiction book series for LGBTQ+ youth on sex positivity codenamed ‘The 1989 Project.’ His Twitter and Instagram handles are @sam_thomas86 & @samthomas8186 respectively.