Too fabulous to be ordinary: How a sassy transgender diva growing up in Iran found self-love in NYC

The following is an excerpt from the anthology “Surviving Transphobia”, an anthology of tenacity by trans and nonbinary activists, athletes, doctors, and more – edited by Laura A. Jacobs. The excerpt below is from an essay called “Them, Me, You” by Pooya Mohseni.

I divide my life’s evolution into three eras: “Them,” when I concerned myself with what they thought or wanted me to be and do; “Me,” where all my actions were to please me and to strive toward what I wanted for my life; and “You,” which concerns what I want you, the readers, the audiences, the world, to see, to learn and be inspired by, to carry forth as my legacy. 

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So, here goes a condensed tale of my existence:

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Them: the earlier part of my life from 1978 until 2003 revolved mainly around myself as a child then a tween and what “they” had to say, when most aspects of my life were beyond my control.

I was born in Iran in 1978, [and when] I was three, the Iran/Iraq war began, lasting eight years. I became familiar with the concept of refugees, waking up at 3 a.m. to hide in the basement with my parents from the bombers overhead, waiting to see if we would be hit or if it was some other unfortunate family that got bombed. Power outages for hours, every day, the sounds of sirens and explosions, the food rations, and the general panic that came with war were just everyday parts of my childhood. Living through active combat is like wading through frigid water in the dark: you are constantly shivering, but as long as nothing bites you and you don’t drown, you stay grateful. I learned early on that how I behaved, meaning the clothes I wore or how I played, were also things I needed to be careful about.

Iran had been a bold example of progressivity in the Middle East until the overthrow of their monarchy in the 1979 Islamic Revolution. Afterward, it became a conservative theocracy where women and other minorities now face very restrictive conditions. I became a seasoned illusionist, playing with a Barbie that some friend had probably left behind, or with my mini clay tea kettle and cups set from Hamedan, giving some reality to me pretending to be a mother. But none of this in front of my parents, most especially my dad. I would try on mom’s makeup, my favorite being the lipstick, maybe a bit of blush, but would make sure that it was cleaned up before my parents came home. 

I feel like I’ve been an actor all my life…because I have been. I offered people a reasonably seamless portrayal of a boy, or at least thought I did. I dressed like a well-groomed preppy kid with neatly combed hair, a washed face, and tidy clothes. What also helped me survive was that I was an A student liked by teachers and school admins, and so my parents had something “positive” to focus on. It made ignoring the less appealing parts of me, in their eyes, simpler.

I was truly too fabulous to be an ordinary child: I talked passionately about Beethoven by eight. I hoped to strut like Marilyn Monroe and bat my eyelashes like Elizabeth Taylor. I was a smoldering, sassy, 1950s diva stuck in the body of a little boy in a Muslim country, and no one, not even I, knew what to do about it. I paid the price by being bullied, propositioned, threatened, and assaulted throughout school. I had been assaulted by three men while others watched, but it was me who got arrested. But none of it made me stop being myself.

Me: If I were to guess when this “me” started flourishing, I’d say around age 19–20. My mom and I moved to the New York area in 1997 so I could start college and a new life where I had a greater chance for a future as my true self. [T]his was before the internet connected people across the globe. Also New York was just recovering from the dark days of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, and while being here gave me more opportunities, my life was far from perfect. I was still young and feisty, but bitter, hurt, depressed, and pretty lost. 

What saved me? Therapy and community. I owe so much to my counselors at two not-for-profit organizations that provide social services to LGBTQIA+ youth. Also to those at my own university. They let me show myself to me through hours of talking, hours of crying “Why?” and “Why me?”, and still more hours acknowledging that, deep inside, I believed it when people said that I was to blame and had brought those things on myself. Not society. Not antiquated ideas about gender and sexuality, but that my own difference needed to be hidden and left abandoned.

But that’s garbage. I was not at fault for the shortcomings of others, and neither are you. Don’t forget self-discipline and accountability, but don’t confuse them with a society coercing you to be someone other than who you are.

I was outed when I was a background actor on the set of a famous TV show. Someone I didn’t know, and who didn’t know me, loudly asked in front of everyone, “So, you taking hormones, or what?” I was overwhelmed with fear. I denied even knowing what he was talking about…a total lie! I’ll never know why he did that, but harassment comes in many forms. Not long after, the agency that helped me get background jobs dropped me, with no specific reason cited. I was forced to completely abandon acting and to become invisible, stealth, just so I could work, study, or walk down the street and not be hassled. This is why I dislike the word “passing” for the horrible things it implies. We should not have to hide. Never!!

You: You are a winner! You are alive, you are willing to change and to learn how. 

In 2015, I felt like I was receiving signs from the universe that it was time to come out of the closet. I was living the dream as an attractive, stylish, sophisticated woman, and most people didn’t know I was trans, [but] I had grown weary of carrying the fear of “What if they find out?” So, on June 26, 2015, the day that marriage equality was passed as the new law of the land, I decided it was time. I logged in to Facebook and, through much fear and trepidation, came out to the world. I was willing to face whatever consequences might come. I was not going to come out to individuals, slowly, one at a time; instead, I came out to every one of my followers in a single post!

Living my complete truth seems more important than continuing a career as stealth for two reasons: First, because I have survived everything yet I am still standing, and the child inside me needs to appreciate that they are seen and validated. Second, because it is important that others witness transgender and gender nonbinary people willing to rise up and reveal to the world who we are, even in our fear of rejection and marginalization. It is important to me that the broader world, and young members of our community particularly, know that we exist and that we are a diverse group with grit, guts, and resilience. I want LGBTQIA+ kids and young adults, just now finding themselves and their places, to appreciate that there are transgender and gender nonbinary mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and otherwise-gendered family members who are open to receive them as our own, to acknowledge them, to affirm them, and to love them. It isn’t a noble thought but a human one, and I believe it is our strength. And living my truth was one of the best decisions of my life.

As for the haters…well, they’ll always exist. They can’t help it. They’re stuck in their limited perspectives, but don’t allow them to make it your problem. The voices of narrowmindedness and exclusion have always existed. We can make sure the voices of love and inclusion are just as loud, and even louder. That’s the fight I’m in. If you want to join, I’d be eager to have you by my side. 

Until then: Seek yourself. Find yourself. Love yourself. Be yourself.

Pooya Mohseni is an Iranian-born trans woman and actress who starred in the award-winning film See You Then (2021), about which RogerEbert.com said, “Mohseni and Chen [Pooya’s co-star] are an excellent on-screen pair throughout… Mohseni’s genuine warmth makes [her character’s] defensiveness all the more layered, showing the tragedy in a meaningful connection that was nearly lost forever.” She was also featured in the play English (2022), to rave reviews and award nominations. Her film and television credits include Law & Order: SVU, Big Dogs, Falling Water, Madam Secretary, Lucky, and Terrifier. See You Then is now available to stream.

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