We need to talk about Stormy Daniels’s bonkers gay dating show

We need to talk about Stormy Daniels’s bonkers gay dating show
Stormy Daniels in For the Love of DILFs Photo: Courtesy of OutTV/Artie Davis

While a certain segment of America (and the gays who live in it) have been losing their minds over 30 Rock joke-turned-actual TV series MILF Manor, something else has been quietly brewing in a canal-side McMansion in Florida: OutTV’s For the Love of DILFs, a gay reality dating competition series hosted by the one-and-only Stormy Daniels.

The series, which premiered Tuesday, finds two groups of cis gay men, “daddies” and “himbos,” competing for each other’s hearts and also $10K. “Daddies” tend to be older men, while the term “himbo,” a play on the derogatory term “bimbo,” refers to younger, conventionally attractive, generally musclebound guys.

Truly, it is a great time for gays to be ridiculous on reality shows! Here’s what I thought while watching and attempting to evaluate the series premiere:

Announcer: “An epic love story is about to unfold.” There are…no words.

The show defines “himbos” as “muscular, kind-hearted, ready to party, and maybe a little chaotic.” The words “kind-hearted” are doing a lot of interesting work here. It defines “daddies” as “distinguished, insightful, nurturing, maybe a little too set in their ways.”

Also, why is the announcer Australian? This…takes place in Florida, right? I mean, this all feels very…Florida.

So, Stormy Daniels: I…can’t say I have any opinions about her. I am…delighted that she is getting paid to host a gay reality dating competition show. Good for Stormy Daniels!

Oh. The Australian announcer is “the mysterious Dr. DILF,” and the show is his “experiment” to see whether DILFs and himbos can fall in love.

Oh, god, I’m suddenly very afraid that I’m going to know one of the guys on this show. Or, like, follow him on Instagram or something.

Nathan, a “himbo” from San Diego, has “a passion for talking.”

I am quickly beginning to suspect that Dr. DILF’s voiceovers will be entirely devoted to trolling everyone on this show— except maybe Stormy?

Ok, other than Tokeyo, all of these supposed “himbos” are not himbos. They are twinks.

Courtesy of OutTV/Artie Davis The “himbos.”

The twink-bos get paired up with their “daddies” by sniffing pairs of underwear and choosing the ones they like best, naturally. Suddenly, I’m unsure whether I’ve ever had the urge to sniff someone’s underwear. Surely, I must have. It would be unnatural and wrong if I haven’t, right?

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Sorry, I just threw my laptop across the room because Gordon, the first “daddy” to be introduced, IS 37 YEARS OLD. Unacceptable!

Ok, I’m going to give this show credit for some pretty impressive body diversity amongst the daddies. Good job on that at least, DILF Manor Island or Whatever!

There is a truly astounding preponderance of unfortunate tattoos and jewelry on this show.

I mean, it’s not just that Gordon is only 37 years old. There’s also just…nothing daddy-like about him! I mean, I know “daddy” in the gay sense is pretty much this nebulous confluence of age, mindset, sexual and/or power dynamic, economic position, body type, etc., and can encompass any combo thereof. But Gordon…Gordon is a fresh-faced gym trainer type. There’s nothing particularly grizzled or authoritative about him!

Courtesy of OutTV/Artie Davis Alex Tikas and Tony Cannoli

So, after everyone pairs off, each of the couples has a conversation. Tony Cannoli clearly thinks he has won the daddy lottery with Alex Tikas, a giant, hirsute sex worker. The only two who aren’t hitting it off at all are Phoenix and Tony, who are definitely 100% not a match.

All the himbos have to stay in one room and all the daddies have to stay in another. And, friends, these rooms are hilariously small!

37-year-old Gordon is like, “I usually date older guys,” so I’m starting to get the distinct feeling that maybe he auditioned for this show thinking he would be cast as a himbo, but was deemed too decrepit and old, and I continue to be slightly confused about how this show defines “daddies.” And also “himbos.”

Jesus Christ, Dr. DILF’s voiceover jokes are better than mine. I may throw my laptop across the room again in despair.

Tony Cannoli is a cartoon character. He’s a Pikachu with a five o’clock shadow on his chest.

LOL. Tony Cannoli to the only two Black “himbos”: “Do you guys know each other?” Except actually, they do! Phoenix is best friends with one of Tokeyo’s ex-boyfriends. So, they have to go outside and have a conversation about it. Which means get in a fight! I don’t really understand what their disagreement is actually about though.

OOH, twist! Someone gets voted off at the end of the episode, and a new “himbo” or “daddy” arrives next week. I mean…that makes sense. But first: a mixer where everyone can check each other out and decide whether they want to stay in their established pairings or hook up with anyone else.

Basically fully dilated now, Tony Cannoli offers to give Alex Tikas a jockstrap he stole from a hook-up as a token of his blossoming affection. Who says romance is dead! Also, they are 100% going to figure out a way to have sex.

Phoenix is making a play for 37-year-old Gordon, which is not a pairing I would have predicted.

Uhhhh…so the episode ends with Stormy talking to Dr. DILF on the phone and just saying she’s going back in the house to stir up some drama. So, I guess we don’t get to find out who gets sent home yet. Huh. Hmm.

Well…Stormy Daniels is delightful in this. I hope Tony Cannoli and Alex Tikas get to have gay sex together. I hope 37-year-old Gordon escapes the DILFs Island Manor. I wish nothing but the best for everyone involved! Except Dr. DILF. He can go eat a bag of DILFs.

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