I hate Muppets, yogurt, crackers, Campbell’s soup, and gays. Who am I?

I hate Muppets, yogurt, crackers, Campbell’s soup, and gays. Who am I?

We’ve long suspected One Million Moms is merely One Crabby Spinster typing away on an old Smith Corona in a disused basement.

Closely affiliated with the nefarious American Family Association, began in order “to give moms an impact with the decision-makers and let them know we are upset with the messages they are sending our children and the values (or lack of them) they are pushing.”

The “About Us” section of their website, which looks like it hasn’t had a design overhaul since 1996, spells out their mission statement:

Mom, are you fed up with the filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media, are throwing at our children? Are you tired of all the negative influences our children are forced to contend with? If so, we urge you to become a member of”

Of course, the shadowy organization is about as negative an influence as you can imagine. They find it deeply thrilling to launch limp boycotts against shows as varied as The Muppets (“Kermit doesn’t wear pants”); Lucifer (“spiritually dangerous,” “glorifies Satan”); and The Real O’Neals (“It is almost impossible to describe the depth of depravity”).

Most recently, they went after Once Upon A Time for featuring a lesbian kiss between Dorothy and Ruby; doubly disturbing because “the munchkins from Oz watch.”

They’re also quick to lash out against any company that dares to produce a gay-themed commercial: a Campbell’s Soup ad featuring two dads is “attempting to desensitize viewers”; Chobani’s campaign featuring two slinky lesbians nestled in bed and feasting on Greek yogurt is a bald-faced attempt to “normalize sin… there is nothing natural about homosexuality.” Honey Maid should “be ashamed of themselves” for their 2014 campaign featuring two gay dads, m’kay?

Here’s how they describe a Pride-centric Tylenol commerical from 2015:

Tylenol is glorifying all modern family types by stating a family is based on love not traditional marriage, and then showing gay couples with their children. One Million Moms believes family is based on love, but this does not justify normalizing sin.”

But through its haplessness, the organization winds up doing plenty of good for the gay community. As Stephen Colbert notes in a classic bit, all OMM really manages to do is give gay-positive ads even more media attention.

Case in point: Last December, they attempted to boycott American Girl magazine for featuring an 11-year-girl named Amaya who, along with her brothers, were adopted from foster care by two dads. In a statement, the antigay group wrote “The magazine… could have chosen another child to write about and remained neutral in the culture war.”

The result? Amaya, her family, and American Girl received an outpouring of positive national media attention, including coverage by local Fox and NBC affiliates, ABC News, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Yahoo, Good Housekeeping, Upworthy, The View, and the list goes on and on.

Best of all: Amaya’s dad co-founded the charity Comfort Cases, a non-profit charity that provides foster kids with basic necessities like clothing, backpacks, toothbrushes and stuffed animals to help make their transitions into new families a little easier.

Monetary donations made to Comfort Cases tripled from last year.

On top of that, during annual Holiday Packing Party held over Thanksgiving week, the group was able to put together 500 more care packages than last year, a 70 percent increase. In the end, it distributed more than 10,000 care packages to children in need.

So, even though they’re a sworn enemy, you can at least thank One Million Moms for the free publicity, hilariously over-the-top press releases, and the occasional inadvertent 300% increase in charity donations to LGBTQ causes.

Thanks, ladies.

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