Uncovering roots: Weighing the pros & cons of finding birth parents & DNA donors

As a child of LGBTQ+ parents, you may have felt either empowered or isolated in your upbringing. And for many, uncovering the identity of their biological donor(s) can be an important and meaningful journey.

But as with all journeys, there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to seeking out those roots—instead, it’s a decision based on various factors.

This article looks at both sides: exploring the pros and cons associated with finding DNA donors—hopefully helping inform the complex choices made along this path.

Understanding adoption, surrogacy, and DNA donor options

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Before delving into the pros and cons of uncovering biological roots, it’s important to understand the different ways in which queer families can come together.

Adoption is one of the most common paths that LGBTQ+ parents take for creating a family—it’s also an increasingly accepted option in many countries around the world. Other paths include legal surrogacy, where a woman carries an embryo created from donor eggs and sperm, or if both parents are male, they can use a known donor for insemination.

It’s important to note that the laws governing these arrangements differ depending on time and location—which could have impacted the decision a queer parent may have made when choosing how to create their family.

Related:

Why I adopted my own son after giving birth to him

LGBTQ+ parents must take extra steps to protect their families. We wanted to do whatever it took.

Pros of finding birth parents

For some, uncovering their biological donor(s) can be an incredibly positive experience. Doing so can help to provide closure and answer questions that have been lingering for years—it can also serve as a powerful reminder that regardless of the circumstances, you are still loved and valued.

Medical information

Connecting with genetic relatives may provide access to medical history that is otherwise hard to come by. This can be especially important for those who are adopted, as understanding family health conditions can help inform future decisions about health and well-being.

Emotional connection

For many, connecting with biological donors can give them a deeper understanding of their identity—which can be particularly helpful for those who may not have had a strong connection to their cultural heritage. It can also provide an opportunity to build relationships and learn more about family dynamics.

Building relationships

Finding biological donors can also open the door to building relationships with other relatives—such as siblings or cousins who may have been separated at birth. These new connections can bring a sense of belonging, closure, and joy to those searching for answers.

Closure

Finally, in some cases, finding biological donors can provide closure to those who have carried questions or doubts for years. In many cases, it helps to bring peace of mind and a sense of completion that may otherwise be unattainable.

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Uncovering roots: Weighing the pros & cons of finding birth parents & DNA donors

While it can be a powerful part of self-discovery, it’s important to consider the pros and cons of finding biological donors before doing so.

Cons of finding birth parents

While the pros of uncovering biological donors can be significant, it’s essential to also consider potential drawbacks before taking this step.

Privacy concerns

One of the major concerns associated with uncovering biological donors is privacy. While some may consider this a necessary step in the process of self-discovery, it can also have its drawbacks.

Privacy concerns are even more significant regarding DNA donors and private adoptions. These individuals may either be unaware they have a biological connection or prefer to stay anonymous.

Unmet expectations and emotions

Reuniting with a biological donor can come with its own set of expectations—and if these aren’t met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment. It’s also important to be aware that emotions can run high and can lead to difficult conversations or misunderstandings.

Potential for rejection

Finding birth parents can also come with the risk of rejection—or worse, having your search efforts met with hostility. As such, it’s important to be aware of the potential reactions before making contact.

Impact on existing family life

It’s similarly important to consider the impact of finding biological donors on current family life. Reuniting with biological relatives can be an incredibly positive experience—but it may also disrupt existing dynamics and structures. And for some, this can be challenging to handle.

Financial and time considerations

A financial and time investment also goes into searching for a biological donor. This can include hiring a private investigator, searching through records, and making trips to different locations—all of which can significantly affect your mental, physical, and financial resources.

Dangerous situations

Lastly, in some cases, safety risks may be associated with reuniting—for example, if the biological donor is in a dangerous living situation or has a criminal record. Or if the individual homophobic or transphobic, it can create a hostile environment for the child.

It’s important to consider these risks carefully before taking the next step.

Related:

What happened to the first generation of children from out gay & lesbian homes?

Between 1979–1983 Joe Gantz interviewed kids who were raised by same-sex couples. 40 years later, he interviewed them again.

Making an informed decision

Finding DNA donors or connecting with biological relatives can be a difficult and emotional journey. For some, it can be an invaluable process of self-discovery and connection; for others, the risks may outweigh the potential rewards.

A quick Google search provides various services available that can provide support throughout this process—from private investigators to counselors and even other children of LGBTQ+ parents who have gone through similar experiences.

Doing research ahead of time, gathering information from reputable sources, and speaking with knowledgeable people can all help make an informed decision when it comes to connecting with birth parents or donors—hopefully helping to inform the complex choices that are made along this path.

Ultimately, the decision to search for a biological connection is a personal one. It’s important to weigh the pros and cons of finding birth parents to make an informed decision.

Whatever choice you make, remember that family is far more than biology, and you are loved and valued, regardless of your circumstances.

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