How to be hawt: Writing lesbian dating profiles in the cyber age

lesbian tango
Photo: Facebook/Le Tango

I hate Valentine’s Day. I think it’s a load of crap. Not because I’m bitter about relationships, but because I hate any kind of sappy shit like heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and bouquets of fucking flowers.

So in honor of the day and as a follow up to “She’s Just Not That Into You,” I’ve decided to summarize some of my thoughts about dating, especially in the cyber age.

Internet dating is one of the best inventions of our time, aside from Playstation 2 and the iPod. I can cruise for ladies when I’m supposed to be working. And I can also scan dozens of profiles in less time and with less effort than going out to the bar. But what makes me want to click onto someone’s full profile, let alone send them an e-mail? The profile description.

Most people who write their profile descriptions bore me. If I read another profile that says, “I’m just your average girl. I am laid back, easy going, and like laughing,” I think I’m going to puke.

Honestly, why would I want to talk to someone who doesn’t even find themselves interesting enough to come up with something to say that’s less generic than “I like to relax and am looking for someone who’s chill?” Seriously? You can’t come up with something more interesting to say about yourself than, “I like spending time with my friends?” Snooze!

Here are some profile descriptions that actually got me to respond.

I am studying meteorology. My goal in life is to be that reporter standing in a trenchcoat in the middle of a hurricane. I’d really like to chase storms one day.

I don’t give a shit about the weather, but this bitch is obviously really into it. That’s HAWT!

I have a black belt in pilates. I have been known to crack almonds with my core after I’ve been drinking. I am a fairly creative person, but not to the extent that I will ever make an art car. I’ll try most things once, which, coincidentally, is the number of times I’ve been to Burning Man. Not to brag, but Charles Bronson has nothing on me.

This woman could probably kick my ass. That’s definitely sexy!

I used to party hardcore at raves, I still love and listen to techno music. I am simple with a complex history, so there are many stories to be told.

Interesting. Not because I’m really a fan of raves or techno music, but this woman has partied hard and thinks she knows how to tell a story. Probably not relationship material, but at least we’ll have a lively conversation on our first (and only) date.

If you think you’re fucking fabulous, tell the world why you’re the hawtest shit on the block. Do you like bugs? Are you a Guitar Hero champ? Or do you think your greatest accomplishment in life is baking the best blueberry muffin in the world? Then say it. Someone else is bound to be intrigued.

Happy Valentine’s, y’all! And please don’t send me candy or anything with little hearts unless you want to get punched in the face.

Editor’s note: This post was originally published on Bilerico for Valentine’s Day, 2008.

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