What it’s like to be the best man as your boyfriend marries a woman

Nigeria’s 2013 Same-Sex Prohibition Act has intensified the attacks on the Nigerian queer community. While it makes the community more vulnerable, it also leads to pressure for many Nigerian gay men to engage in heterosexual marriages and conform to the societal standards of the ideal African man.

Many are following this route of escapism and avoidance in part due to a desire to procreate as well as to maintain the status quo. It is always an emotional moment for gay couples who must watch one another get married to someone else – sometimes as a member of the wedding party. 

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For Sam*, 33, seeing his lover of three years get married to a woman yielded mixed emotions. While he relished all the moments they’d had together, he also felt betrayed.

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Sam told LGBTQ Nation that his ex-boyfriend, who got married earlier this year, had never been a fan of marriage, but it started to change when he began texting a woman to whom his mother introduced him. 

“He told me [about her] because it wasn’t the first time his mom or one of his cousins were hooking him up. So, I tried not to think about this particular one that much then, but then he soon began to frequent his mom’s side a few months after. He kept secrets and his stories didn’t correlate. About 7 months or so into their meeting, he finally revealed he was getting married to the lady. And this was after I confronted him about his cold attitude. I initially felt it was a betrayal of the love we share, but in retrospect, he really could no longer push their marriage talk aside, now that I think of it. As the only male son, he did what he had to do.” 

The wedding was a rush of emotions for Sam, as he stood beside his former love as the best man. He watched his boyfriend exchange vows with his betrothed while thinking about the cuddles and deep talks they had shared the previous night. 

But Sam said that night together felt different. 

“I knew that we may not be and do together as we had always been. We agreed to be platonic. I have always objected to queer people marrying to cover up, but many are doing this and somehow, we have to respect their decision.” 

In Nigeria, it is commonly believed that the best man is the groom’s closest pal and a trusted ally. But an underlying truth behind this for most gay men is that a groomsman is more than just a friend.

Via WhatsApp, Ade* shared with LGBTQ Nation what his relationship was like with Tolu*. 

When they met in 2018, the pair two dated, fell out, and reconciled until they resolved that an exclusive relationship wasn’t for them. So they agreed to make it open.  

“I am an extroverted person, while Tolu* isn’t, and honestly, this makes him feel so insecure about the relationship. So we decided to maintain an open relationship, and ironically, our bond increased. We became so close that my parents knew where to find me and where I would spend the night if I wouldn’t be coming home after work.”

But then Tolu decided to marry someone else. 

“See, most queer Nigerians don’t really have a say in this matter; we just wish them well,” Ade said. “And I have seen people’s opinions change over the years about this issue. Many are energetic about not conforming, but again, I feel that’s because they haven’t faced the kind of pressure many over-30s are faced with. There is this societal checklist that I think people expect you to have ticked off at certain points in your life.”

He isn’t sure about what his own future holds.

“Tolu’s wedding was a reflection for me, with families praying that I have a similar occasion soon, seeing me behind him as his best man. “

Biding a boyfriend goodbye

While there is an increasing number of Nigerian queer people engaging in heterosexual marriages, many others are determined to live their truth no matter what.

The wedding ceremony of any community member is a moment to celebrate a union and mostly respect the decisions of the party. But for some, a marriage might mean a last wish, or a request to fulfill a burning passion and bid goodbye to any form of intimacy henceforth.   

Ayo, 26, spoke of his own experience with his ex-boyfriend: “When he told me that he would be getting married last year, I knew it was the perfect reason to travel down to see him. We’d been chatting for a while and had since developed this close bond and affection. We talked almost every day and did video calls too. So I wanted to see him and consummate what we felt over the phone. Two days before his wedding, we lodged in a hotel and had the fun we had both been anticipating. I knew that was the only opportunity I might ever have to travel to see him. ” 

*Names have been changed for safety