Sober Prides serve up fun & support to queer partygoers

The modern LGBTQ+ rights movement began in a bar, and alcohol has remained a big part of Pride ever since. However, “sober Pride” events have gained more traction over the past few years. LGBTQ Nation spoke with a sober Drag Race competitor and two sober Pride organizers about how drug-free celebrations can create supportive spaces for people in recovery and also address the high rates of substance abuse among LGBTQ+ people.

When Mrs. Kasha Davis competed in Season 7 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, she and her fellow queens would pick up vodka drinks in the show’s “untucking” lounge, and Davis would brightly declare, “There’s always time for a cocktail!”

Related:

4 ways to overcome barriers to addiction treatment for the LGBTQ community

Many of the same stigmas LGBTQ individuals face on a daily basis are also the reasons they don’t get treatment. Let’s change that.

But after Mrs. Davis drove home drunk from a club one night, police arrested her in front of her own home the following day for driving under the influence — her third such offense. Someone told her that she had nearly swerved into some children while driving home.

Never Miss a Beat

Subscribe to our newsletter to stay ahead of the latest LGBTQ+ political news and insights.

Daily

Weekly

Good News

“I melted to my knees asking whatever power there is in this universe for help,” Davis told LGBTQ Nation. “I was willing to give up Mr. Davis and the kids, my performance career, everything and anything, because that behavior scared me greatly.”

Davis used alcohol to cope with the anxiety and loss of familial support she experienced after coming out. She held down a corporate job and met her personal commitments for a while, but she’d often drink in isolation, feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, comparing herself to others, and avoiding her deeper emotional issues.

She isn’t alone in her experience. Numerous studies have shown that many LGBTQ+ people feel unsupported in their communities, creating disproportionate rates of alcoholism and mental illness in the queer community. One study by the Center for American Progress (CAP) found that 25% of gay and transgender people abuse alcohol, compared to 10% of the general population. Societal stigma and discrimination both contribute to these higher rates, and alcohol companies maintain a prominent presence in Pride events and queer bars year-round.

After her arrest, Mrs. Davis began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and a substance use rehabilitation program. She is now eight years sober. She attends several weekly meetings, has a sponsor, sponsors others, and has learned new tools for coping with life’s stresses: like self-love, meditation, reading, exercise, and nature walks. She also organizes sober events, including brunches, comedy nights, and other live performances.

“I love that there are more events that are not solely centered around drinking,” Davis said, noting the increase in spaces that only serve alcohol-free mocktails. However, she added, “I am not in any position to judge anyone regarding alcohol or drug use … period. We all have our own journeys. Just because it was important for me to address, this doesn’t mean drinking is bad for others.”

Mrs. Davis isn’t the only one organizing sober events. This year, New York City, Minneapolis, and Denver all held sober Pride events in tandem with their city’s main Pride festivities.

Christian Parker co-founded the New York City-based Gay and Sober in 2009 and has served as its executive director since 2016. He and his friends started the organization as a Facebook group after they realized that not all major cities had sober events or support groups for recovering gay men.

Parker got sober at age 23, he told LGBTQ Nation, and in 2009 some fellow sober gay men invited him to a Pride weekend sober event. “It was so disappointing,” he said. “It was in a church basement. No one was there. It was just really, really bad.”

They couldn’t find any other dedicated sober Pride events. When they left the church, they went to Pride events sponsored by major alcohol companies. The widespread drug use there made them feel nervous. It was then that they recognized the need for more sober Pride events.

That need intensified during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. The resulting shutdowns closed in-person sober meeting spaces, but alcohol stores remained open as “essential businesses.” Cut off from social support and furloughed from jobs, people’s boredom and isolation led to an increase in alcohol use, depression, and mental distress, Parker said. His group responded by creating online recovery meetings — up to three a day, with attendees from all over the United States and Europe — as well as an online directory of substance abuse treatment centers.

When Gay and Sober announced its 2021 in-person conference during New York’s Pride weekend, the event sold out immediately — people were apparently craving a connection. Now, Gay and Sober has over 12,000 Facebook followers and organizes several Pride weekend events, including a gay men’s sobriety conference (with talks and meetings), a parade-watching group, an evening alcohol- and drug-free dance, and a Fire Island getaway afterward. The group will also organize “fun, sober, safe spaces” at future World Pride for five years, starting with the 2026 Amsterdam event.

“The opposite of addiction is connection,” Parker said. “When I got sober when I was 23, I thought that I would never have fun again or dance again or anything really…. I thought that if you want to have a boyfriend, if you want to have sex, if you want to be friends, you have to do it at a bar or a club. That’s the way it is. And there was just a big stigma about using about drinking heavily, and there was also a stigma about getting help. But that has changed so much.”

Going sober can be an isolating experience, especially since many drink alcohol to socialize. But Parker said he has felt happy seeing more people speak openly about their own sobriety journeys, in person and on social media. It helps other recoverers find peers who understand what they’re going through.

It isn’t always easy to find sponsors for Gay and Sober’s Pride events, he added, partly because such events are relatively new, and his organization will only accept sponsorships from groups that align with Gay and Sober’s mission of health and wellness.

The recovery community is made up of more than just sober people, Parker noted. The community also includes supportive friends and family members, mental health counselors, healthcare professionals, and others who just want to socialize without drug-centered interactions.

For the last three years, a man who goes by “Z” has organized Minnesota’s Sober Pride events. More people attend its events each year, Z told LGBTQ Nation. This year’s events include a night of training and educational sessions featuring pizza, a recovery support meeting, a guided meditation, and a demonstration of how to administer Narcan medication to someone having an opiate overdose — such overdoses have become more common since lethal amounts of fentanyl have increasingly been combined with cocaine and other street drugs.

Minnesota Sober Pride also hosted a booth at Twin Cities Pride, held a hot dog cookout in Loring Park on Saturday and Sunday, and also threw a Sunday dance party that goes from noon until 1 a.m. on Monday morning. While the events didn’t feature drag queens and go-go boys, two common types of Pride performers, they did feature costumed musicians as well as useful information about recovery, treatment centers, sober housing, mental health, and other resources.

“We had a huge turnout,” Z told LGBTQ Nation. “Of course, the hot dogs probably helped. The common thing [for our attendees to say is] just, of course, ‘Thank you guys for being here, for being visible.’ It’s important for some people, for the community to see that we exist and that we’re here as an opportunity, an alternative option for events, and for being connected. There was one person in particular last year that was literally crying [out of gratitude.].”

Both Parker and Z think there’s an opportunity for more sober spaces, both within Pride and the wider LGBTQ+ community. These spaces can demonstrate that there’s more to queer culture than just bars and drunk socializing. They can also normalize discussions about how many folks struggle with different forms of addiction, something that has long remained hidden in shame.

“I will always share my journey because I know — based on the hundreds of messages of hope, gratitude, and desperation that I have received on social media — that visibility saves lives,” Parker said. “Knowing that we are not alone sometimes just gets us started on a healthier path.”

Mrs. Davis agreed.

“I hope that by sharing my stories and living out loud people will see that it’s possible to be a sober drag queen who is working and living proof that sobriety is not a drag,” she said. “The two greatest gifts of my sobriety have been gratitude and acceptance. With these two in the forefront of my mind, I’m quicker to remember that ‘There’s always time for Kindness‘ especially toward myself.”