Don’t have time to read the transcript of the Supreme Court wedding cake case? We got you.

smashed gay wedding cake
Photo: Shutterstock

The official transcript of yesterday’s Supreme Court hearing about a baker who refused to make a cake for a gay couple is a lengthy read. Clocking in at 100 pages, we know many of you don’t have time to read through the entire thing.

As a service to our readers, author Michael Jensen has given us a much-condensed and slightly factual version of the back and forth that makes for a much better read.

So here you go. 450 words versus 100 pages. With a little bit of artistic license…

SUPREME COURT: Why shouldn’t you have to sell wedding cakes to gay people?

CAKE STORE: It violates my free speech.

SUPREME COURT: A cake is speech?

CAKE STORE: Yes, because it’s art. I’m an artist.

SUPREME COURT: A two tiered buttercream frosted cake with roses is art?

CAKE STORE: Yes. It also violates my religious beliefs. I’m Christian so I love gay people, but I also think they are gross and disgusting. VOTE FOR ROY MOORE! Sorry, got off track there. Like I said, I love fag-, er, gay people. I just don’t want to endorse their marriage with every bite of my delicious cake.

SUPREME COURT: Are cupcakes free speech?

CAKE STORE: Of course not. That’s silly!

SUPREME COURT: What if they are cupcakes for a same-sex wedding?

CAKE STORE: Then they are definitely free speech. If you listen closely you can hear them saying the Pledge of Allegiance! Plus, Jesus would totally be against gay cupcakes.

SUPREME COURT: Jesus discussed this in the Bible?

CAKE STORE: Um, I think it’s somewhere in the ten amendments. Thou shall not serve delicious baked goods to sodomites.

SUPREME COURT: You mean the ten commandments?

CAKE STORE: Those too. But the Founding Fathers were also totally against gay wedding cakes.

SUPREME COURT: So could you refuse to serve a Muslim couple because of your religious beliefs?

CAKE STORE: Absolutely not! That’s completely different.

SUPREME COURT: Different how?

CAKE STORE: Um, it just is. Look! It’s Roy Moore! WE LOVE YOU, ROY! Well, not like you love fourteen year old girls, but at least you’re not a Democrat, so we’ll look the other way. But could you stay away from the mall? And my daughters?

SUPREME COURT: Should a make-up artist be allowed to discriminate against doing make-up for a lesbian’s wedding?

CAKE STORE: That’s just stupid. Everyone knows lesbians don’t wear make-up. DUH!

SUPREME COURT: We’re sure some do.

CAKE STORE: I’m pretty sure they don’t. It makes it hard for them to fix cars and log forests and do other lesbianish things. Besides, a make-up artist isn’t an artist!

SUPREME COURT: The word “artist” is in their name.

CAKE STORE: Um, it’s a different kind of art. It’s not “real” art.

SUPREME COURT: Like “baking” is an art?

CAKE STORE: Totally! Now you get it. And come on, we all know every make-up artist is a pansy anyway.

SUPREME COURT: If we rule for you, it’s going to create complete chaos by treating LGBT people as second class citizens, inviting other morons, er, people with sincerely held religious beliefs to try and discriminate on the basis of religion. Are you really okay with that?

CAKE STORE: What did Jesus say? Turn the other cheek away from gay people, right?

SUPREME COURT: Well, half of the court certainly agrees with you even though none of what you said holds up logically at all. Any final arguments?

CAKE STORE: All lives matter, Colin Kaepernick should be locked up for exercising his free speech, Putin is awesome, and Hillary has a baby sandwich every day for lunch.

Michael Jensen is an author and editor. His books of gay historical fiction include two series, The Drowning World, which is set in 5500 B.C., and The Savage Land, which takes place on the American frontier. Man & Monster, the second book in The Savage Land series, was a Lambda Award Finalist.

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