Commentary

3 things America can give Mike Pence for his birthday today

3 things America can give Mike Pence for his birthday today
Indiana Governor turned Vice President Mike PencePhoto: DonkeyHotey via Flickr

Today is Vice President Mike Pence’s birthday.

Everyone’s favorite perpetually concerned politician isn’t known for his wild partying, and a pool press report indicates that his staff kept things a little, shall we say, subdued, on his big day even if he thought it was “out of control.”

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So in the spirit of helping the veep put on his party frock, here are three suggestions for birthday gifts Mike Pence could truly use.

3. Laxatives

Vice President Mike Pence Associate Press

Ever notice that Mike Pence always looks like he hasn’t taken a crap in over a week? His surly frown and pursed lips make him the poster boy for prune juice and poop pills. Then again, after months of serving as Trump’s apologist, we’ve all learned he truly is full of shit.

2. Hand sanitizer

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife Karen Pence (R) arrive to attend the first presidential debate at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York on September 26, 2016. Associated Press

With all the handshakes a politician does in a day, some of them are bound to be with woman. Our could-be Lothario famously refuses to eat alone with a woman or attend an event where alcohol will be served without his wife, Karen, at his side to keep him on the straight and narrow. With all those women putting their dirty dirty slut germs all over his little fingers, Pence can always use that hand sanitizer so he’s not tempted to touch his no-no parts while fantasizing about having beer and pizza with someone who isn’t his “mother.”

1. A tattoo

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Speaking of moms… He calls his wife “mother.” What better way to show his devotion than permanently inking her name on his arm. Sure, tattoos are outlawed in the Bible, but so is eating shellfish. And Pence definitely looks like the type to take Mother to Red Lobster to get wild on their anniversary.

So what would you give the veep for his birthday? Other than his walking papers, of course.

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