Bilerico Report

Donald Trump’s incredibly exceptional, hugely positive health report

Donald J. Trump shared his medical records on the Dr. Oz show.

Donald J. Trump shared his medical records on the Dr. Oz show. Warren J. Blumenfeld

After waiting more than 15 months since Donald J. Trump first announced his run for the presidency, the public finally has the opportunity to view and analyze Trump’s complete health records, rather than the one hastily written by his gastroenterologist released previously.

During an appearance on the Dr. Oz TV show this week, Trump handed over his new health report listing results from a check-up he underwent last week. Pulling back the curtain, Oz discovered the details.

According to the two-page letter written by his long-time narcissistologist, Dr. Shambert (“Sham”) Strawman, Donald Trump is in fabulously-stellar, incredibly, astoundingly exceptionally, hugely positive health. In fact, all of his tests came back “positive.”

First to his musculoskeletal system. Since Trump gives them both a great amount of exercise by eating and talking, his jaw muscle (masseter) and bone (mandible) are the most highly developed and strongest in his entire body. In fact, Trump is able to lift his own poll number by simply placing the results in his mouth, chewing, and spitting them out again.

Though Dr. Strawman advised Trump to lose weight since he is heavier than preferred for a man of his size and weight, Trump argued with his doctor that he gets plenty of exercise traveling the campaign circuit and eating in only gourmet fast food establishments like KFC, McDonald’s, and The Greasy Spoon Café and Dog Food Emporium. He eats all of his food with the silver spoon he was born holding. Well, that should settle that!

Regarding his heart rate and blood pressure levels, like Trump himself, these are very active and fluctuate widely depending on whether someone is complementing or criticizing him. Though he appears, at least, to have a heart rate, unfortunately during the examination, neither his doctor nor the assistant were able to locate an actual heart.

Political pundits found this surprising since Dr. Strawman and the largest proportion of Trump’s supporters are white men who claim, at least, that he has a heart. Maybe it will turn up next time he undergoes a more thorough examination.

Trump’s doctor did, however, write about his other organs in the report. Since he has consistently refrained from drinking alcoholic beverages throughout his life, his liver still lavishly spews a bitter greenish-brown bile regularly, though quite often out his mouth.

Though his kidney functions seem normal in terms of removing waste products from his body, Mr. Trump, being the huge public figure that he is, holds excess toxins that he releases in his speeches whenever he mounts the stage.

Mr. Trump’s lungs, strong and sturdy, serve him as giant windbags powering his transparent hyperbole and viperous rhetoric, though as we all know because he told us, he “never lies.”

Trump’s senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch ramp up to extraordinary levels whenever he stands in front of a large head-to-toe mirror, especially in rooms that shine a spotlight onto him.

According to his doctor, though Mr. Trump does in fact have small hands, his penis is large enough to intercourse the entire nation, in fact, the “hole” world if he has such an intention to enter into these.

Donald Trump has for most of his adult life claimed that what we see atop his head is, in fact, his real hair, and not, as some claim, transplanted orange fuzz from a troll doll. Well, we finally have confirmation from Dr. Strawman that the Donald’s mane-sized mop is his own.

Since Trump performs his brand of business and politics chameleon-like by saying one thing to one audience and something completely different to another audience depending on what they wish to hear, Trump has genuine chameleon qualities. In fact, his hair and skin have turned the actual color of the tacky-gold accessories in Trump Tower.

Responding to his doctor’s statement that “Mr. Trump’s personality and temperament are both on the very high end of measures for Social Pathology,” Trump enthusiastically embraced this finding saying, “I’m a winner. I like to win. I even win at being the highest ever in social pathology, and that’s a great thing!”

Dr. Strawman did find a malignant and inoperable growth in Trump’s brain, which, claimed his doctor, “Seemed to have devoured his sympathy and empathy centers.” Strawman termed the growth “a large demagogic tumor,” which poses no threat to Trump himself, but can be life threatening to the United States if Trump is placed in a position of power.

Concluded Dr. Strawman, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will have the largest ego and testosterone levels of any individual ever elected to the presidency. I confirm the assertion that he made during the Republican Nominating Convention recently held in Cleveland when he said ‘I alone can fix it,’ and he can.”

At the end of Dr. Oz’s program, Donald Trump announced that he will release his tax forms for the past 10 years “when Hell freezes over or when the sky falls into the sea, whichever comes first.”

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