My partner and I are white gay dads with two amazing sons, both of whom are African-American.
This season, we finally gave in to their many years of begging that we allow them to play tackle football. We’d previously refused, thinking them too young. We were concerned about not only the possibility of physical injury to the boys, but also the enormous time commitment it would take.
Now 10 and 12, we decided that the time was right, and finally acquiesced. What we failed to consider, however, was how our unique family structure might factor into the dynamics of such a macho team sport, and the potential for consequent emotional injury.
While the kids have practiced the last several weeks, loving and hating every grueling moment, last night found one son’s team on the field, in the middle of a drill, when one of the assistant coaches yelled, “What are you? A bunch of pansies?”
I heard his words, echoing across the grass, and felt like I’d been punched in the gut. All those taunts through the years stay with you, even if you’ve risen above them. I immediately walked over, called my son off the field, and told the coach we were done. We were going to switch teams. And he let us go…
As my other son’s team finished their practice, I sat with my 10-year-old, explaining why I’d taken such action. We talked about what the word meant, how it is used, and why such words can be damaging. We talked about how such taunts, even if in jest, can haunt a person and make them feel less-than. Finally, we talked about African-Americans, the struggles for equality that they’ve faced, and how one single word can sear into your soul. He seemed to understand.
Following practice, we received apologies from both the assistant and the head coach himself.
Bafflingly, the assistant coach didn’t seem to understand how the word “pansy” could be offensive. I shared that I was gay and found the word personally offensive, and also how that word and other similar terms had driven kids to suicide. He promised to never again use the word.
Bullying doesn’t just happen in classrooms or playgrounds; it occurs on football fields, too. There are other ways to motivate athletes, which can both strengthen and toughen them, but still preserve their fighting instincts.
Too often, however, the negative terms are casually tossed about, and those hurtful expressions lodge deep within, slowly affecting one’s sense of self and, I would argue, one’s confidence on the field as well.
After posting about this incident on Facebook, I received much praise and support for my decision to pull my son off the field. Indeed, I was the only parent to do so.
But I was surprised by one friend’s comment, which essentially said that I’d overreacted. Such roughness was part of the sport, he stated, and should be tolerated. While his comment in and of itself wasn’t surprising, I found it odd that this comment actually came from a gay man, who I know had experienced his share of bullying as a youth.
I’ve always believed in living authentically and helping to create a better, more loving world, and I can’t understand how calling someone a derogatory term can possibly help anyone. Have we gotten past the point where such words hurt? Does a comment such as that belong on the sports field? Am I being overly sensitive?
What do you think? Is it ever okay to call someone a “pansy”?
Filed under: Views & Voices
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no ..never
It’s never okay to use words to hurt, the wounds don’t heal!
People shouldn’t say it, but I also thing people get too sensitive over verbal abuse. I’m gay and have been called so many names, but why should I let that stranger ruin my day?
mm..im gonna play devils advocate and say Yes.
I didn’t even know what that word meant ’till right now.
Amazing
I’m tryin to figure out how I would feel if someone called me a pussy …
Yeah It Is Far As I Care…Especially If The Person Is A Damn Coward…!!!. I Know Several & They Couldn’t Fight Their Way Outta Shithole…!!!.
Only if her name IS Pansy, after that no!
Sure, if they’re a flower.
you can call me a pansy if ican call you a nazi
I just realized I used to play a game growing up called “smear the queer” – sorta like footy, whoever has the ball you smash em… little did I know when I was little the meaning behind it. Crazy and ironic how I had NO idea as a kid it was offensive in any way.
People need to get over themselves. I have described someone as a pansy–I have never thought of the word as a gay derogative, rather weak, yellow-bellied…a wuss.
Interesting enough the pansy worn on the lapel was a code so gay men could find each other back in the REALLY homophobic first half of the 20th century. Though many offensive words get “owned” by the community and a re no longer hurtful…some still hurt. Pansy is one of those words that has never lost its negative connotation. It is NEVER okay to call anyone by any name that is hurtful to that person.
You can call me Viola … or Heart’s-Ease …
if you’re calling them a tough little thing who can survive anything.
only ok if they are talking about the flowers…
Panbies are beautiful flowers….
When they’re being one, sure.
Its an older term, rarely use it here. I prefer dirtbag & sh*tbag.
No, it isn’t OK under any circumstances, contrary to the opinion of some here.
grow up. you’re going to make your kids resent you. Some people have thin skins. Other people have thick skins. Some people are secure enough to see the affirmation and love driving you to do better from a Coach. If the coach didn’t care about kids he wouldn’t be a coach.
Sure it is. Stop being so sensitive.
Can someone please msg me a list of words I’m still allowed to use anymore? I’m getting confused. And running out of words.
I’m going to politely ask the LGBTQ community to stop “owning” words so that I do not have to keep changing my vocabulary to avoid offending thin-skinned folks.
pansy ? what is this, 1955?
No, unless they are colorful small flowering plant.
personally hate it. what if we embraced it? i love the flower. am a gay father also. ready? pansy.
yes if your 5 and dressed like a flower in the class play
As with any word, it is the context in which it is being used, and by whom,and directed to whom.
It doesn’t seem as if the couch was being purposefully harmful and was filling the role of “tough love”. I understand teaching your kids about the meaning behind words so they are socially competent but sometimes thin skins rip too easily. Choose your battles.
NO
NO
You did the right thing, first for taking your son off the field and second for discussing why you did it.
I don’t like calling people names, and after going through the process of coming out I don’t really associate “pansy” with homosexuality. However, sometimes when being descriptive about somebody’s behavior, that is timid in approach, persnickety and/or makes me we want to scream “just do it”, a negative comment like this may slip.
Maybe if you mean they are a sweet fragrant and beautiful flower. But it really is a stupid insult.
Maybe if you’re a little flower that’s tougher than nails when it comes to frosty fall nights when everything around you wilts from the chill…
For my friends in the LGBTQ community or for those who support them and their inalienable human rights- check this out. Nathan Parks has spent his time making and publicly distributing this video on his public facebook profile, youtube, and in various groups with the specific intent of bashing and damaging my friend and his father who he refers to by full name. If you think this is wrong- why dont you take a second to let him and facebook and everyone know and bring attention to this matter. People only behavie like this because they think they can get away with it! STOP HATE! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4tezWmZ5_g&feature=share
Everybody with sense knows that pansies are pretty flowers……
I think the author here was being a bit too sensitive, but that’s just me. I’ve never heard the term “pansy” as a derogatory term towards people that aren’t straight. In sports, people acll each other “pansies” just to make you play harder, not in a truly offensive manner.
NO
it is not right