Marcia Gay Harden takes a stand for queer kids, including her own

“I have completely accepted my children, their journeys, their identities, and their preferences,” actress Marcia Gay Harden told LGBTQ Nation a few days ahead of celebrating Mother’s Day with her kids, all of whom identify as queer.

“I speak out, and I talk about it in an environment full of hatred, full of canceling, and full of violence against each other,” says Harden. “And I’m against that. And so whatever way I can stand up against that, I do.”

On April 29, Harden accepted the Advocate Award from GLSEN, a nonprofit that develops resources for educators, advocates to protect LGBTQ+ youth and other marginalized identities in schools, and supports student-led efforts to create safe learning environments. The organization, led by executive director Melanie Willingham-Jaggers and its national network of educators, students, and local chapters, is working to turn back discriminatory laws and policies aimed at erasing LGBTQ+ identity through “Don’t Say Gay” legislation, book bans, and local school boards hijacked by far-right extremists.

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Harden dedicated the award to her kids.

“I owe this award to my children, who drive me every day to be a public force for change,” Harden said. “In watching them bloom into the vibrant individuals they have become, I have gained a redefined perspective on my own life.”

That life comes with a very public platform earned with a prolific acting career on stage and screen. Harden took home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 2000 for her performance as artist Lee Krasner in Pollock, opposite Ed Harris. She earned a Best Actress Tony in 2009 for God of Carnage and a nomination in 1993 for her performance in the original Broadway cast of Tony Kushner’s Angels in America. A second Oscar nod came with Mystic River in 2003, while her extensive list of television work includes The Morning Show, So Help Me Todd, and Uncoupled.

In an interview from her home in the Catskills in New York, Harden was enjoying “the second day of some very pretty weather.” She’d just returned from a trip through her garden collecting tulips.

LGBTQ Nation: You recently accepted the Advocate Award from GLSEN for your work with the community, and you dedicated it to your kids. Eulala identifies as non-binary, Hudson identifies as gay, and Julitta is fluid. You’ve said they’re all very gifted at what they do. Can you share more about what they’re up to?

Marcia Gay Harden: Oh, yes. My eldest child, Eulala — who uses they/them pronouns, and is agender — they just graduated from Apex Technical School in welding. They’d also graduated previously from Bennington with an art major, but they went to Apex to kind of really understand the trade because they want to work at a fabrication shop. I don’t know if you know what a fabrication shop is. It was new to me. But they’re all over, and they make really cool things. And Eulala has an ability to draw, sculpt, and now weld.  

Julita, my daughter, is up at the Rhode Island School of Design and is an amazing designer. They design everything from clothing to, again, sculpture. They’re just really, really wonderful. They’re studying design and sustainability in textiles. They just showed me a biodegradable wallet that they’ve made out of material that I think is made from corn husks? It’s like, What?!

And then I just visited my son Hudson in Glasgow, who is studying musical theater, and we had the most beautiful time. There’s something he’s doing — they call it “making” in the design world — maybe it’s “originating” in the theater world, which is not something I ever did, but it’s like they’re originating, or originating material. But at this school, he’s singing. He just arranged a musical piece from Cabaret. And then we went to London, and we saw Hadestown, which was just phenomenal, and we saw Samara Joy, who if you don’t know her, you need to look her up and see her live at some point. She’s probably poised to be one of the legendary singers of this era, with a voice uncannily similar to Sarah Vaughn, phrasing like Ella, heart like Billie. And she’s just 24 years old.

So, I love that with each of my kids, there’s a language we can share about art. They’re all very passionate about politics, as well. We don’t always see eye to eye on things, but they take time to educate me about their point of view. I just want to think they’re all gifted at what they do and in a good place to go out into the world and bring those gifts and hopefully make a difference.

What was your perfect day with your kids when they were growing up?

Probably here at the lake house where I live in New York, and a perfect day might be doing something in the garden, and the kids would be playing on the property, swimming in the lake. And all of us would gather for a nice lunch. Maybe in the late afternoon, if there was a rainstorm, we’d all sit on the porch and watch the lightning and the rain. In the evening we’d play games. We’re big gamers. You know, Scrabble and things like that.

You were a single mom for a good part of your kids’ childhoods. What are some of the unique pressures a single parent faces?

One of the unique challenges for the single mom is to dash all the expectations. To get rid of all the expectations of what you thought a partner would do. And you realize the burden is yours alone to carry. It depends on your relationship with your ex, but in my case, in many cases, the burden is mine alone to carry. Part of that was by choice. It was easier to just say I’ll do it rather than to negotiate on a daily basis.

Discipline, setting boundaries, guidance, all of the above. You, again, you’re on your own. You’re not bouncing something off of a partner. You’re making decisions on your own.

But I found being a single parent glorious. I felt I was a much better single parent than I was a partnered parent. I feel like I focused on the kids more. I feel like I heard them better. I feel like I grew with them more. But it did take letting go of expectations, and I decided I was going to do that very specifically when I realized that divorce was likely in the cards.

My ex and I are friends now, and I respect my ex, but when I realized that we were not going to make a life together, I had to tell myself, “I can bring the kids joy on my own. I will do this on my own. I can do it on my own.” And I’m not going to bring them this life of me mourning the loss of a partner. They would still have their dad. I just wouldn’t have a partner. But certain things I didn’t want to wait around for a man, any man, some man, please! — you know, that kind of behavior — a man to fulfill a position that I had labeled “man” and/or “partner.”

For instance, camping. Am I going to take the kids camping on my own? That’s something I always thought I would have a partner to do with. So I rented a 31-foot double pop-out trailer, and we drove to Las Vegas, we drove to the Hoover Dam, and we drove all through Arizona. And I would set up that trailer wherever we went.

I wrote in my diary at the time, “I will bring the kids joy.” We had an absolute blast on that trip, and I kind of proved to myself I could do it. I remember I was working with James Gandolfini and Jeff Daniels at the time, and Jeff was like, “You can do it!” and James was like, “Get a driver!”

What Tony did for the world by bringing that play to Broadway was to begin normalization of the subject in entertainment. And I think that’s huge. The play, of course, was a hit; it was the play of the decade. And it requested compassion, I think. To see the play and to be anyone in the play or to identify with any of the characters in the play, you had to have compassion, including the Roy Cohn character. You had to have compassion for opposite points of view, for history. And I think that would be my answer to you. He requested compassion no matter who you are, where you are, what your child is, where your child is, not what your point of view is. You have to have compassion for the other.

“Compassion no matter who you are, where you are, what your child is, where your child is, not what your point of view is. You have to have compassion for the other.”

Marcia Gay Harden on what she learned from “Angels in America” playwright Tony Kushner

What are some of the ways that you’ve advocated for the queer community?

Well, I speak out. I show up to various events. I have completely accepted my children, their journeys, their identities, and their preferences. Because for me, that’s a no-brainer, of course. They’re your children, you love them, you accept them. But I speak out, and I talk about it in an environment full of hatred, full of canceling, and full of violence against each other. And I’m against that. And so whatever way I can stand up against that, I do.

I give money. Those are the silent advocacies. I’m also thinking about a foundation to create something that offers opportunity and care. Right now, health care is super important for the LGBTQ+ community and just normalizing the other.

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Like now, if I go someplace, and someone goes, “Ladies and gentlemen!” I think, “And?” I can’t help it. Or “Boys and girls!” and I think, “And?” People do too often just ascribe gender. And I tell you, especially for women, that is harmful on some level because women are considered the second gender. All sexuality, gender, it’s a spectrum, right? I think we’re all both. And it doesn’t surprise me at all that finally, people are going, “Hey, don’t call me this or that. It’s a spectrum. Don’t put me into this box. It’s a spectrum. Don’t think of me in that way. Don’t preconceive ideas of what I can do, or can’t do for all of my kids because of gender. Just don’t consider it.”

What do you say to the people who somehow object that you’ve got three queer kids and accuse you of “grooming” them?

I think, “As if. As if!” My kids are going to be who they’re going to be, period. You don’t groom a person’s sexuality or groom a person’s gender. And the only thing I would have done is let them know that whatever they are, they’re loved. So if that’s grooming, if grooming equals “Love your children and let them know that whoever they are, you love them,” great. The phrase itself suggests that we have control over those things. And I think America attaches so much shame to not just sexuality and gender but to sex itself. And that kids grow up with that in front of them, and that’s not good.

What’s the best part of being a mom?

The best part about being a mom is definitely the relationships with these kids, and passing down ideas and values, and having them passing up ideas and values. I was just running out to bring a bunch of tulips that I’ve grown — gorgeous tulips! — to bring to Eulala in New York. And I know they’re gonna look at those and see a piece of me and them and go, “Mom, those are beautiful.” They’re going to look at them the way I look at them, which is in the detail and the beauty of the tulip. It’s sort of in the question itself: it’s the kids.

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