Are LGBTQ+ weddings compatible with Orthodox Judaism? These trailblazing rabbis say yes.

Experiencing pre-wedding jitters is quite common, even for well-organized brides like Ronit Travers and Roma Yee. The couple had meticulously prepared for their traditional Jewish ceremony over several months and had even successfully enlisted a rabbi who wholeheartedly supported their plans for an orthodox gay wedding. Their intimate and Covid-friendly celebration, attended by 30 guests, was to take place in a friend’s backyard in the heart of Jerusalem. 

“We had asked the host to have the Chuppah there months before, and they were excited,” Yee told LGBTQ Nation. “They had always wanted to host a wedding.” Jews use a chuppah, a wedding canopy, as a symbol of the new home the couple will build together.

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However, the evening before the event, the brides-to-be received an unexpected text message. “At 10:30pm, the host said she read over our wedding program [which had been dropped there earlier in the evening along with other wedding supplies for the party], and she decided that she was not comfortable with hosting a chuppah for us.” 

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The brides were taken aback. Despite their long acquaintance with the host, who was fully aware they were a lesbian couple, the host no longer wanted to have the party. The couple suspected she had reversed her stance due to discomfort with their choice to include traditional orthodox Jewish elements in their ceremony.

Following the late-night text, the brides contemplated canceling the wedding. But in a last-minute change of heart, the host reconsidered, though she ultimately decided not to attend the ceremony taking place in her own backyard. Still, the brides breathed a sigh of relief that their ceremony would go ahead. 

Travers and Yee embody the ongoing and intricate debates within orthodox Judaism. While orthodox tradition doesn’t formally acknowledge same-sex unions, a growing, albeit limited number of rabbis either raised in the orthodox tradition or ordained by orthodox institutions are willing to officiate same-sex marriages.

These ceremonies frequently incorporate traditional facets observed in heterosexual Jewish weddings, including the Chuppah, the symbolic breaking of the glass, and the recitation of the Sheva Brachot (traditional 7 blessings).

“I think every couple who has gone into this and has wanted to capture a traditional wedding, has given [such a ceremony] a lot of thought,” said Yee.  “Many of our guests had never been to a same-sex wedding, and most had never been to a Jewish wedding and same-sex wedding that had taken into account halachic consideration [orthodox Jewish law],” she said. 

Was the host’s threat to cancel the wedding rooted in homophobia? It’s a possibility but perhaps not the whole story. 

“To use the label homophobic is broad stroke,” said Travers, “but it was that intersection between same-sex and halacha [orthodox Jewish law] and how we tried to blend those things together, where the cognitive dissonance is unavoidable, which we think made her uncomfortable.” 

But a growing movement of Rabbis is working hard to do just that: blend same-sex love and Jewish law to create inclusive, yet traditional ceremonies.

Embracing the miracle

Rabbi Steven Greenberg, ordained by Yeshivah University, a prominent orthodox rabbinical institution in the United States, is a trailblazing queer rabbi who has played a pivotal role in shaping the structure of these traditional, orthodox-influenced ceremonies.

His decision to publicly come out in 1999 and his personal journey in reconciling his religious identity as a rabbi with his sexuality have made him a sought-after mentor for other orthodox individuals grappling with their own identities. They turn to him for guidance on how to harmoniously merge their religious convictions with their authentic selves. 

“I’m one of the founders of the process of engagement with the tradition that is accepting of queer identity,” Greenberg told LGBTQ Nation. “The overlap between queer identity and serious religious life has been my day job for about 15 years.”

The idea of crafting a ceremony, that incorporates many of these traditional Jewish elements was something he had originally resisted, despite many repeated requests. “It was enough for me, for that first decade, to just manage my gay identity. Even though I was partnered, and I was in a committed relationship, the idea of having a wedding was one step beyond my imagination at the time.”

Over time, Greenberg came to understand that numerous same-sex couples desired to be wed within a framework that felt familiar and aligned with their religious sensibilities. 

“I began to recognize that it was irresponsible of me not to provide a coherent framework for marriage. I began to work on it. I got input from friends.”

After extensive contemplation, Rabbi Greenberg conducted his inaugural queer orthodox wedding in 2011. Greenberg’s approach was both innovative and groundbreaking. Based on the work of Rachel Adler, a well-known Jewish feminist, he employed the concept of a “shtar shutafim,” a legally binding document in Jewish law, for the establishment of a business partnership. 

However, in this case, instead of a business enterprise, the partners are embarking on the shared journey of building a household and home together. To enhance the intimacy and exclusivity of this approach, as a component of the Jewish wedding ceremonies he presides over, both parties are required to take a “neder” [solemn oath]. This model has since been emulated, adapted, and embraced by queer couples worldwide seeking to marry while incorporating orthodox Jewish traditions.

Within orthodox Judaism, celebrated for its strict adherence to tradition and principles, Greenberg’s decision to publicly officiate a wedding for a queer couple sparked intense controversy. This included a proclamation signed by over 100 rabbis strongly denouncing the idea.

Despite facing resistance, Greenberg found solace in the fact that numerous couples expressed interest in adopting the orthodox Jewish wedding model he had pioneered. 

“It’s the understanding that queerness is not a threat to the tradition, but a gift, and opportunity for the tradition to recognize its responsibility to full beauty of creation as God created it. We are not threatening the tradition. We are saving it from its own minimal blindness. That’s a gift.”

Although queer orthodox weddings continue to attract intense curiosity and, in certain circles, strong opposition, Greenberg is encouraged by what he perceives as a growing grassroots movement gaining acceptance.

“The change is happening from the ground up,” he said. “Parents are going to these weddings and paying for them. And friends are going. They are dancing. Coming up with language. They figure out how to celebrate with their friends. The reality, whether the rabbis approve or not, it is happening. The critique can be there, but it’s not enough for the human realities not to break through.”

The movement to incorporate traditional elements into the marriages of queer couples by rabbis within the orthodox tradition is discreetly advancing. I conversed with several rabbis who, out of concern for their community work in this domain, hesitated to discuss their involvement on the record.

However, the rabbis who are happy to discuss their advocacy in this area are in great demand. 

Rabbi Mike Moskowitz, who obtained his rabbinic ordination from an ultra-orthodox Yeshivah, stands as one of the foremost and easily recognizable orthodox figures openly championing increased inclusivity for the LGBTQ+ community. Sporting a long black beard and traditional rabbinic attire, he has officiated numerous same-sex marriages. 

“It’s inspiring to see the powerful impact of those bearing witness to the public declaration of love.  It’s often very transformative for those in attendance,” he said. 

There isn’t a set formula for what defines an orthodox queer wedding, but the goal is to preserve the sense of orthodoxy or tradition. “Each wedding is unique to the couple, but typically involves a chuppah, wine, 7 intentions or aspirations (in place of the 7 blessings), and the symbolic breaking of the glass,” he said. 

For the limited group of rabbis who choose to officiate queer orthodox ceremonies, this decision can lead to hurtful or vehement opposition, despite the increasing demand for such services within the queer community. 

Like Moskowitz, Rabbi Avram Mlotek, who was ordained by Yeshivat Chovevi Torah in New York, stands among the few rabbis who have extended their services to the queer community. His choice to conduct queer weddings has faced resistance from some of his more orthodox peers. 

“It would be emotionally dishonest for me to say it’s not upsetting, especially when people spew hurtful comments, but it does not reduce my resolve from doing the work one iota,” he said. 

Numerous rabbis engaged in this emerging field maintain a strong sense of dedication to their work. 

Rabbi Jeffrey Fox, serving as the Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshivat Maharat in New York, an orthodox rabbinical school for women from where I recently graduated, issued a teshuvah (Jewish responsa) regarding lesbian relationships, viewing queerness as a cause for celebration.

“While there have always been gay people, the contemporary reality of same-sex couples building families together and living in committed relationships was mostly unimaginable for the vast majority of human history,” Fox said. “The religious Jewish community should be thankful that there are Jews who want to build kosher homes, observe the Sabbath and have children. If only we could embrace the miracle of the time in which we live.”

After “I do”

Today, Travers and Yee reside in Melbourne, Australia, where they lead a content married life. They actively participate in an orthodox synagogue while navigating the challenges that come with adhering to orthodox traditions in a context where full acceptance of queer couples remains an ongoing process. 

“I grew up orthodox and my education was very much orthodox,” said Travers. “I view things through a halachic lens. It was confronting for me, you know, halacha doesn’t acknowledge or recognize our union. It’s nothing. Some people call it an abomination. There is no kedusha [holiness] and no shechina [Divine Presence]. That was very difficult for me. You can have an abusive [heterosexual] relationship, its blessed by God and there’s shechina. But our relationship built on love and respect, there’s nothing there. It’s an ongoing thing that I struggle with.”