Don’t lose who you are: How to face the holidays with an unaffirming family

The holidays can be traumatic for LGBTQ+ folks, with many having to choose between going home to a family that won’t accept them or spending the holidays alone. While some choose not to celebrate with family, others aren’t even welcome to go home.

No matter your situation, know that you are not alone and that there are people out there who love and accept you exactly the way you are.

Related:

Trans people aren’t responsible for teaching you how to love them

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an uninformed cisgender person will unabashedly ask a transgender person what their crotch looks like.

This year, the staff at Destination Tomorrow, the LGBTQ+ Center of the Bronx, came together to offer advice on how queer folks can get through the holidays. They all shared their own tips, but one common thread wove through their answers: Never compromise who you are to please others.

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Remember the joy: Sean Ebony Coleman, Founder/Executive Director

How do you hold the community close during the holiday season?

During the holiday season, we work to make sure our clients and community feel a sense of connection. From decorating the offices to hosting dinners and giving away gifts to making ourselves available to those who are experiencing loneliness, our goal is to provide space for community in whatever way we can. 

What advice do you have for queer and trans folks who may be going home to difficult conversations this holiday?

Remember that this is just one day of the year, and the opinions of family should not alter how you feel about yourself. Remember you are loved for who you are within your chosen families and remember that joy. Try not to engage in discussions that will trigger you and remember you can choose to disengage in conversations that make you uncomfortable. 

What events and resources does DT have during this time?

Destination Tomorrow will be hosting a clothing, turkey and toy giveaway. We will also be hosting a holiday dinner – more details to come. For updates on upcoming events, check out our Twitter @Dest2morrow.

Free Yourself: Alex Santiago, Chief Operating Officer

How do you hold the community close during the holiday season?

Before I started working at DT, I would host a ‘TransGiving Meal’ for the community members who didn’t have a family to go to. I did this because I didn’t feel comfortable with my own family. I was constantly called by my dead name, people used the wrong pronouns, and I was often outed. In the South, being gay and/or trans often leads to being considered an outcast. I wanted to change the narrative and surround myself with people who shared similar circumstances. Joining Destination Tomorrow significantly amplified my ability to provide services to those who were ostracized by those they considered family.

What advice do you have for queer and trans folks who may be going home to difficult conversations this holiday?

Don’t lose who you are to feel wanted by other people. I did that for years and although it may have made them comfortable, I was miserable. Do what makes you feel comfortable; do what gives you peace. I truly think that when you free yourself, you give others permission to do the same. 

Breathe: Sage Rivera, Chief Strategy Officer

How do you hold the community close during the holiday season?

I remind myself of the reason for the season: The only way I can receive what I really need is to give. I also attend LGBTQ+ holiday gatherings to laugh and dance with our community. I frequently write in my journal or post a status about what I am grateful for, and I invite others to do the same.

What advice do you have for queer and trans folks who may be going home to difficult conversations this holiday?

Breathe. Your life is the greatest gift in this world for as long as you have it. By valuing it, you can influence others to do the same. You are worthy of all the love you can give, and no matter where you go, remember there are others like you in the world. You are not alone.

Love Your Heroic Self: Yessenia Crane, Patient Navigator

How do you hold the community close during the holiday season?

The holidays are a time of year when many families, friends, and loved ones get together to reminisce, catch up and celebrate. However, this isn’t something everyone gets the opportunity to do. I hold my community close by spreading love, sharing my time, listening and being present. I share my support, find outlets, and provide a safe space.

What advice do you have for queer and trans folks who may be going home to difficult conversations this holiday?

Our queer and trans siblings are not all free and able to live in their truth. Many of our families haven’t yet found the grace or space within their hearts for our truth. There is one thing I would like to say: I love you. I know the person you are right now is the person your youngest self would have been so proud of. You are the person that they can count on. You are their hero. 

Prioritize joy: Star Woods, Education Coordinator

How do you hold the community close during the holiday season?

Being a Black queer woman of color, I understand the special plight that a lot of Black LGBTQ+ community members go through when it comes to the acceptance of their sexuality from their birth families. I hold my community members even closer during the holidays by choosing to allow those who deal with these hardships of exclusion into what I deem my tribe and/or chosen family, providing a seat at the table to break bread with those who aren’t even spared crumbs and who I will give a whole roll to. 

What advice do you have for queer and trans folks who may be going home to difficult conversations this holiday?

The advice I’d give trans and queer community members going home during the holidays is to remember to prioritize your happiness as no one holds that key but you. Don’t live your life for other people’s happiness; live for your own and share it with those who accept you.