But that shouldn’t stop us from dreaming of a candidate who can provide balance to The Donald’s ticket; someone with a fierce personality, fab abs, shoegasmic footwear and a face you wouldn’t mind looking at for four years. Oh, and of course, queer.
If you’re wondering why we didn’t include brains in this list of qualifications, we must ask that you please pay attention, as we are in fact discussing the Republican nomination for vice president (i.e. Dan Quayle, who has endorsed Trump. Because of course he did).
So here are five people we think would make the perfect LGBTQ running mates for the presumptive GOP nominee.
She’s transgender, she’s Republican, and she is unapologetic. She also has unfavorable numbers to rival Trump’s, so bringing her aboard could be a net positive if she draws some fire away from The Donald. Jenner boasts she is a constitutionalist, which could be helpful to Trump as he dismantles the Bill of Rights in his first 100 days in office. And in addition to being Trump’s trans ambassador, Jenner looks great in black, which is perfect for all those state funerals she’ll have to attend as vice president. We do shudder a bit, however, at the thought of this conversation in the Rose Garden: “President Trump, this is my son-in-law, Kanye West.” That alone could be a dealbreaker.
4. Democratic Senator Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin
Cheeseheads, rejoice! Since Wisconsin is typically a swing state with divided loyalties, a long Democratic history and a quixotic antigay Republican governor, it could be helpful to have Baldwin on board to provide some midwest honesty and decency, especially to offset Trump’s so-called New York values. Only hitch: she’s a raving liberal and her nomination would surely cause GOP convention delegates’ heads to implode. Conversion therapy is bogus for LGBTQs and we don’t think it’ll work any better on Democrats, so Sen. Baldwin would be a tough sell.
3. Republican Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen of Florida
Now, admittedly, Rep. Ros-Lehtinen is not queer. But she belongs on this list because she has a transgender son and she is very proactive on LGBTQ issues in Congress. Plus, she’s from Florida. Donald loves Florida! Florida is huuuge! And she’s Latina. Donald loooves Hispanics! He had a taco bowl on Cinco de Mayo, did anybody see — oh, okay. But best of all, her first name fits in with the names of the other women in Trump’s life: Ileana, Melania, Ivanka, Tiffany. Well, okay, not so much Tiffany, but we didn’t feel right leaving her out.
Could the former teen idol and now out and proud crooner be singing a tune called, “La Vida Trump?” Imagine the team these two would make: one is a clever entrepreneur who’s made his mark on the world, and the other is Donald Trump. Martin, like Trump, has no political experience, but he has charisma. He has a cause, his foundation which for 16 years has fought child exploitation around the world, and ohhh, he has that voice. Martin came out six and a half years ago, a revelation that triggered people everywhere to ask: “Is that supposed to be news?” And as we’ve established, Donald loooooves Hispanics!
1. Tim Cook
So let’s agree: those voting for Trump believe what America needs right now is the Art of the Deal, the man with the plan to erase the national debt, punish our enemies and build a wall between us and that country south of us where we spend $16.6 billion a year as tourists? Well, then: the best running mate for Trump is another businessman — but one who “thinks different,” to borrow a phrase from an early Apple ad campaign. That’s why we selected Tim Cook, the first out CEO of a Fortune 500 company, as Trump’s perfect LGBTQ running mate. He is not flamboyant, chooses his words carefully and without bombast. In other words, he’s the anti-Trump, except that he is wildly financially successful, which Trump should admire. Only problem might be what happens when someone puts an iPhone in Trump’s tiny hands. Is there an app for that?
Who would you have picked? One of these or someone else?