A gay dad sounds off on the day Mike Huckabee waged war on a bag of potato chips

A gay dad sounds off on the day Mike Huckabee waged war on a bag of potato chips
Mike Huckabee
Mike Huckabee AP Photo/Danny Johnston, File

My sons love Doritos. Jesse is a Nachos Doritos guy, and Jason, always his own man, loves the Ranch-flavored.

I love the It Gets Better Project. They have provided inspiration and help for teens at risk for suicide. It’s a cause that no one in their right mind could be against. Yes, Mike Huckabee, take that for all it’s worth — you’re an idiot.

The recent campaign — in which Doritos sold bags of rainbow chips to raise money for the It Gets Better Project — brought smiles to our household. The campaign went well, and before we could get on the computer to order our special bag, it was over. Sold out.

A new money-making scheme has taken its place. Mike Huckabee, a financial wizard of the Bigotry Industry, has stepped in to capitalize on a very scant, and now consumed, bunch of corn chips. He knows full well that homophobia sells, and he is out to make his bucks on the back of Doritos. More to the point, he is seeking to make money by demonizing the at-risk teens who are driven to self-destruction by the rhetoric he produces.

Huckabee does this under the guise of being “Christian.” He claims Christianity is important to him. But few have done so much harm to the true precepts of Christianity as Mike Huckabee. I would go so far as to say that Huckabee is to the heart of Christ what Judas Iscariot was to Jesus. He betrays it with a kiss.

A rich man donates to hate; Huckabee organizes a campaign to make him richer. A homophobe incest abuser is found out; Huckabee rationalizes away all he has done. A woman dishonors her office and tries to humiliate loving families, and there’s Huckabee, holding her hand. Now, Huckabee’s attacking an organization that’s saved the lives of thousands of teens. And he’s done it all under the banner of “Christianity.” If you believe him, Huckabee has gutted the soul of Christ of its love and compassion, and replaced it with bigotry and homophobia.

“Meet your new sick partner,” Huckabee said to Doritos, framing the It Gets Better Project as a “hate group.” As he did so, he tweeted to his legions “Stand by me,” which basically translates to “send money.”

How does Huckabee justify doing this to an organization that’s so profoundly good? Two words: Dan Savage.

Dan Savage loathes Huckabee. Dan Savage also loathes Rick Santorum. Both men totally deserve Savage’s scorn. Dan’s tactics aren’t gentle, nor should they be discussed at the family dinner table. Dan Savage is the LGBTQ version of Donald Rumsfeld: he embraces “shock and awe.” He seeks to appall and disgust the card-carrying homophobes to their pearl-clutching cores. And he succeeds.

It started with Rick Santorum, who sought to write LGBT people out of the U.S. Constitution years ago (and likely still wants to do so). Savage created a vile definition for “santorum”, which was naughty and creative and went viral. It went straight to Google Heaven and there the definition sat, greeting every search for “santorum” thereafter.

Savage’s attack on Huckabee wasn’t as widespread, but it was still calculated to obliterate sensibilities. He made a recording, not for the faint of heart, that turns a Savage/Huckabee handshake into a sexual chronicle that would make even the most sexually liberated person say “Eww.” For the sexually repressed, it simply makes their head explode. (You can see what I’m talking about here.) O

Huckabee has long learned that homophobes are more willing to reach for their wallets when they’re angry. So, now that Kim Davis no longer of any use to him, he’s targeting… corn chips.

And so have I. Here’s my own letter to Doritos.

Dear Doritos,

It was with great joy that my family and I saw your latest campaign, “There is nothing BOLDER than being yourself.” I’m happy for your success and the contributions you’ve made to the It Gets Better Project.

That success is not without its costs, obviously. You’ve earned the vitriol of some folks, particularly those who follow Mike Huckabee.

Huckabee has publicly addressed you and attempted to integrate your campaign with Dan Savage’s attack on him, even though the two events have nothing to do with one another.

When Dan Savage came up with the idea for the “It Gets Better” project, it was to save his life. That project and his editorials are totally unrelated to each other.

The fact that Huckabee doesn’t understand the Savage piece is ultimately irrelevant to your efforts. Huckabee totally missed Savage’s intent. It’s inarguable that Savage has an in-your-face, X-rated style. He sought to show that homophobic oppression is as vile and disgusting to families like mine as descriptive sexual concepts are to people like Huckabee.

However, there’s a big difference between what Huckabee and Savage are doing. Huckabee may be shocked at Savage’s tone and verbiage, but what’s worse? Huckabee’s parents won’t ever come home and find that he’s slashed his wrists. Huckabee’s loved ones will never find a note that says he woke up early that morning and walked in front of a train.

Huckabee’s victims have done those things, and the It Gets Better Project aims to provide them help.

So thank you for your small campaign. I’m confident that the stir it made in progressive circles will help drive up sales. The backlash you’re enduring right now will soon die down. As the homophobes write out their protests on Apple devices and post them to Facebook, they’ll soon realize that these companies have been even more progressive to the LGBT community than even Frito Lay.

While this note is a “thank you” letter, it’s also a letter of request.

Eat your own chips. More specifically, take your own campaign slogan to heart. You encourage whoever purchased your limited edition, rainbow-hued chips to be BOLD.

Be bold yourself, Doritos. Put your rainbow chips in wider circulation. Don’t make this a limited campaign for the benefit of some social media attention and a single check to the It Gets Better Project.

Let this message be seen every time an American family visits the grocery store. Let the teen who is contemplating suicide see them and be reminded that he’s not alone, despite the best efforts of people like Mike Huckabee to further isolate them.

As Huckabee tries to hijack the narrative and choke us all with homophobia, grab it back, and take it to the next level.

Do it. Be BOLD.

That way, Huckabee’s hate won’t have a chance. The world’s delirious crunching will drown out his idiotic speeches and a new brand of love will hit the scene… one with a hint of spice, tangy cheese, and a kicky chili flavor.

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