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What is a side? Are you one?

What is a side? gay sex slang
Photo: Shutterstock

Most queer people have heard the terms “top,” “bottom,” and “versatile” — slang for whether someone likes penetrating, being penetrated, or both during anal and vaginal sex. But there’s a fourth sex role that many folks haven’t heard of yet: a “side.”

Those wondering, “What is a side?” or “What does side mean?” may imagine a side of beef, a side dish (like cole slaw), or a side piece (like a gun or an extramarital sex buddy). But no, a side is actually a sex role.

Anyone who wonders “Is side a sexual identity?” or “Is being a side normal?” should rest assured — this article will answer those questions and more.

What is a side? What does side mean?

Anyone asking “What is a side?” or “What does side mean?” is probably seeking a side definition. A rather good side definition comes from Urban Dictionary (which also contains a treasury of queer sex slang).

A side is “a homosexual male who does not enjoy anal penetration (giving or receiving) but will engage in other forms of same-sex activity (fellatio, frottage, mutual masturbation, etc),” the website states.

But this side definition is also a bit limiting because the term can also apply to non-males and non-homosexuals. A better side definition would acknowledge that heterosexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, and people of other sexual orientations and genders can also identify as a side if they don’t desire penetrative anal or vaginal sex.

What is a side? gay sex slang
Shutterstock

Is side gay slang? Where did the term side come from?

Even though side is becoming gay slang, side didn’t start out as gay slang. The term was actually coined in 2013 by Dr. Joe Kort, a queer sex therapist who identifies as a “side.”

In an article titled, “Guys on the ‘Side’: Looking Beyond Gay Tops and Bottoms,” Kort wrote that he wanted to popularize the term “side” to help sides realize it’s okay to not want penetrative anal sex. It doesn’t make a person less gay, less masculine, or less of a sexual human being. That is, there’s nothing wrong with anyone who doesn’t want anal or vaginal penetration.

“For many queer men, anal is the end-all-be-all activity, the ultimate peak of sexual gratification that helps them get off,” Kort wrote. “But for sides, orgasms are merely the destination and it’s the journey that really makes the experience interesting.”

Kort said he came up with the term “side” as a natural alternative to top and bottom. After all, if someone isn’t on the top of or bottom of a guy, then they’re most likely at his side.

“I was sitting around with friends, trying to admit to them what I was—but I didn’t have the word for it,” Kort told GrindrBloop. “But I was tired of shaming myself over not having intercourse, and my friends were like, OK, well, what do you call it? So I thought out loud and said I’m not a top and I’m not a bottom, and then I just thought about a box and blurted: maybe I’m a side.”

Recognizing “sides” on Grindr and other dating apps

The gay term side was also recently added by the hookup app Grindr as a sexual role and by Wikipedia in its entry for ‘terminology of homosexuality,’ helping popularize side as gay slang. This move disrupts the traditional “top” and “bottom” binary, acknowledging a broader spectrum of sexual preferences.

Grindr users can now identify as a “side” on their profile, challenging stereotypes and promoting diversity in gay sex. This step forward allows users to define their preferences beyond norms, fostering open dialogue about sexual diversity.

The LGBTQ+ community sees this addition as a significant step in acknowledging the full spectrum of sexual preferences. As one Grindr user shared on X, “THEY FINALLY ADDED “SIDE” AS A POSITION ON GRINDR. I feel seen.”

Is a side different from a bottom or a top? Is side a gay sex position?

A side is different from a bottom or a top because the latter two desire anal sex whereas sides don’t (well, not usually anyway).

But is side a gay sex position? Not exactly. The terms top, bottom, versatile, and side aren’t gay sex positions — they’re gay sex roles. For instance, a guy’s preferred gay sex role may be as a bottom, but his favorite gay sex positions may be reverse cowgirl, the butter churner, or the screwnicorn. (Okay, that last position was completely made up.)

Another example: A guy’s preferred gay sex role may be as a side, but his favorite non-penetrative gay sex positions might be the schoolboy pin, the salad tosser, or an old-fashioned rusty trombone.

So, side is not a gay sex position. It merely indicates one’s disinterest in anal sex.

What is a side? gay sex slang
Shutterstock

How do sides have sex?

When wondering how sides have sex, it’s important to remember that “sex” doesn’t just mean anal or vaginal penetration. Sex can also include oral sex, manual sex (handjobs), non-penetrative anal stimulation (rimming), as well as other erotic and sexual activities that may or may not include nudity, genitals, and mutual touching.

Sides can enjoy kissing, manhandling (also known as heavy petting), frottage (also known as dry humping, grinding, or body contact), mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal stimulation, watching adult videos or erotica, sharing sexually charged conversations or fantasies (so-called dirty talk), massage, or any number of fetishes like body scents, watersports, roleplay, or other scenarios.

As stated above, some guys who primarily identify as “sides” still occasionally enjoy anal sex; the same way that some self-identified “total tops” will bottom under the right circumstances, and vice-versa. However, one should never pressure sides or anyone else to have anal sex — it’s rude and can feel threatening.

Is side a sexual identity? Is side a sexual orientation?

Is side a sexual identity? Is side a sexual orientation? It depends on how one defines “identity” or “orientation.”

Some people view “side” as a sexual identity because the term identifies their sexual behavior. After all, some tops proudly embrace the term as a sexual identity and some sides do the same. Doing so can reduce shame among sides, raise awareness of their existence, and help other sides find community and lovers.

But side really isn’t a sexual orientation, at least not in the way that “orientation” is normally understood. A bottom may feel an “orientation” towards receptive anal sex, but when applied to sexuality, “orientation” often refers to who or how people feel most attracted.

For example, homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, and pansexuality are all types of sexual orientations that describe who a person is attracted to. Furthermore, demisexuals, sapiosexuals, and pogonophiles are all types of sexual orientations that describe how a person becomes attracted to others.

Some people believe that people with certain sexual orientations are “born that way” due to genetics. But this is a limited view, reinforced by numerous activists who had to say in U.S. civil rights court cases that being gay “isn’t a choice” and should be protected from discrimination.

In reality, human sexuality is fluid, and one’s sexual orientation can evolve over time and in response to different social conditions.

As such, side isn’t technically a sexual orientation because it describes one’s preferred sexual behaviors, not the types of people they’re attracted to.

What is a side? gay sex slang
Shutterstock

Is side a fetish?

While some sides have sexual fetishes — like a fetish for dominating twinks, sniffing manties, or being stomped on by high-heel-wearing musclebears — being a side isn’t the same as having a sexual fetish. A fetish refers to a form of sexual arousal that depends on uncommon sexual behavior and fantasies. Often, people have fetishes about objects or activities that, in and of themselves, aren’t particularly sexual.

However, sides are turned on by non-penetrative activities that most people would consider overtly sexual. As such, being a side isn’t a fetish.

Do sides hate anal sex? Do sides hate tops and bottoms?

It’s reasonable to wonder “Do sides hate anal sex?” or “Do sides hate tops and bottoms?” But most sides don’t feel this way.

Some sides may hate anal sex or hate tops and bottoms — especially if they’ve felt pressured into anal sex, have experienced painful or traumatic anal sex, or if they’ve ever been shamed by tops or bottoms for not wanting anal sex.

Other sides may dislike anal and the whole (ahem) concept of tops and bottoms because these roles can feel too confining, are based on heterosexual intercourse, and can reinforce negative gender stereotypes. Often, tops are ignorantly considered more powerful and masculine, whereas bottoms are considered more submissive and feminine (or “the woman in the relationship”). Similarly, sides can be wrongly stigmatized as sexually immature, prudish, traumatized, confused, incapable, or otherwise abnormal. But none of these things are true.

Most sides have a live-and-let-live attitude towards anal sex, tops, and bottoms. They don’t mind if other people have butt sex or identify as enjoying it, they’re just not into it themselves.

Nevertheless, it’s also worth noting that some sides may be fluid and also occasionally identify as a top, bottom, or versatile. Likewise, some top, bottom, and versatile guys may also identify as sides under certain circumstances. Such a person might say, “I used to call myself versatile because I can top or bottom. But then I realized I’m also kind of a side because I don’t always want anal.”

What is a side? gay sex slang
Shutterstock

Why do people become sides?

One can debate whether people “choose” to be a side, are “born that way,” or “become” one over time. But the reasons can be preferential, experiential, psychological, medical, or merely practical.

Some sides prefer non-anal sex because anuses don’t provide the same pleasurable and variable stimulation as a hand or mouth. Others may dislike the restrictive diets or time-consuming regimens required for bottoming or the performance anxiety that can come with topping. For them, being a side can get rid of anxieties connected with anal sex altogether.

Other sides may have medical conditions, such as anal fissures, that make bottoming painful. As GrindrBoop notes, other issues can play a role as well including erectile difficulties, body image issues, medications, health issues, chronic pain, a well-endowed partner, fear of STIs and HIV, past traumatic, and other reasons. People with these issues may primarily identify as tops or bottoms but then become sides out of necessity.

How many people identify as sides?

It’s unclear whether sexologists have conducted studies to determine how many people identify as sides.

However, a 2011 study of nearly 25,000 gay and bi men revealed that only about 35 percent regularly had anal sex. Put another way, nearly 65 percent preferred bedroom activities associated with being a side.

So while there’s no clear number of how many people identify as sides, it’s entirely possible that sides could actually represent the majority of queer men.

What is a side? gay sex slang
Shutterstock

Is it bad to be a side? Are sides a persecuted sexual minority?

It isn’t bad, wrong, or abnormal to be a side. Identifying as a side doesn’t mean that a person is somehow broken, dysfunctional or suffering from medical or psychological issues. In fact, identifying as a side can be a self-loving and self-affirming act that allows someone to enjoy what feels most pleasing to them.

Sides aren’t a persecuted sexual minority the same way that, say, heterosexual men who are into pegging or people who are into BDSM are. Nevertheless, sides can face negative stereotypes, judgment, rejection, ridicule, or harassment from others in the LGBTQ community.

That’s partly because so much media fixates on sex as the ultimate expression of physical and romantic desire. Adult media especially focuses on penetrative sex, usually to the exclusion of extended foreplay, cuddling, and other sensual, non-penetrative activities and fetishes (like licking armpits).

Others may think that sides are just bottoms who are too ashamed to admit it or suggest that they just haven’t experienced truly great anal sex yet. There’s also a misconception that being “sexually liberated” means that a person has to participate in every type of sexual behavior under the sun. This is not only untrue, but shaming or coercing people into having sex that they don’t want violates consent culture and is quite rapey.

Am I a side? How do I know if I am a side?

You can tell if you’re a side if you entirely dislike penetrative anal or vaginal sex or if you find yourself far preferring other sexual activities over those.

It’s a valid sexual identity that can apply to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Despite facing misconceptions and prejudices, it’s crucial to acknowledge and respect “sides” as part of the diverse spectrum of human sexuality.

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