Breaking Not-The News: Santa Claus, of unknown age, was shot and killed by homeowner, Jack Koff, 41, for allegedly breaking into and entering his residence at 007 Patriarchy Lane without authorization.
The deceased was found wearing a bright red cap and full-body microfiber suit with white piping around the collar, sleeves, and pant legs. He also sported a full white beard and bushy eyebrows.
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Though no weapon of the deceased was found, tossed near the bullet-riddled body was a large canvas bag filled with brightly colored wrapped packages. Police department officials later discovered that the boxes were filled with children’s toys.
According to police Lieutenant Justin Tyme, “We have clear indication that Mr. Claus penetrated the home by shimmying down the chimney. We believe this because his clothing contained large amounts of ash and grime.”
Responding to reporters’ questions on the porch of his home, Koff stated that around 3:00 a.m. on the morning of December 25, while he and his wife and three lovely children were asleep on the second floor of their residence, he was startled out of a deep sleep by the apparent sounds of a pack of animals walking across the roof.
Fearing a home invasion, Koff took his AK-47 rifle from his bedroom closet and walked slowly and silently down the stairs. As he reached the living room, he saw the image of an intruder exiting the fireplace.
“I took aim and fired a number of rounds into the guy,” said Koff. “I have three young kids, and I’m not going to let some pansy pervert come into my home.”
The town coroner, Helen A. Basket, determined that Claus died instantly with numerous bullet wounds to the head and upper back with one puncturing his heart.
At a press conference held later in the day, Police Chief Reed Mylipps indicated that while the incident is still under investigation, at this point his department does not intend to press charges against Mr. Koff since it appears to be a case of justifiable homicide.
Claus leaves behind a wife, nine flying reindeer – one with a bright red nose — and a gaggle of elves. The coroner’s office shipped the body back to his home at the North Pole where Ms. Claus will bury him on New Year’s Day in a private ceremony.
This is the second incidence of the shooting deaths of home invaders on Patriarchy Lane in just the last three days.
On Tuesday, homeowner Lance Boyle killed M&M Red and M&M Green as they filled bowls around his house with what appeared to be sweet chocolate centers – some of which included peanuts – surrounded by hard candy shells.
Boyle splattered Red and Green’s little bodies on the walls and ceiling of his living and dining rooms leaving nothing for the coroner to autopsy.
Addressing the public during a nationally televised speech today, Wayne La Schmuck, spokesperson for the Nationalist Guns Association, asserted, “The justifiable shootings of Claus, and M&M Red and Green prove our point when we rightfully argue that ‘The only thing that blows away a bad dude with or without a gun is a good dude with a gun’!”
La Schmuck urged the relatively few home and apartment dwellers who have not already purchased at least one handgun, one hunting rifle, and one semi-automatic firearm to run to the gun stores and buy them soon. He reminded parents that weapons not only save lives, but firearms also provide great ways to bond with your children.
“There’s nothing greater than pulverizing paper and clay targets on the shooting range with your kids on the weekends,” he said. “This is real quality time.”
The United States ranks number 1 of 178 countries for the highest rate of firearms with 120.5 per 100 residents, with the Falkland Islands coming in a distant second at 62.1, and Yemen third at 52.8.
According to La Schmuck, “Keep up the great work America!”