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Here are the queerest items on Amazon this holiday season

rainbow-colored shopping carts
Photo: Shutterstock

It’s the holiday season and what better way to work off your turkey than by hunting down some fabulous bargains for the gift-giving season? To save you some trouble, we’ve found a slew of the queerest (and tackiest) rainbow-colored clothing, home and personal items on Amazon including migraine-inducing sweaters and surprisingly tasteful home decor.

Most of the items are reasonably priced at anywhere from $5 to $30. But if our finds are too wild for you, check out our 2018 list of 24 LGBTQ-owned businesses that sell other goods like games, comics, movies, clothes, lingerie, grooming gear, and jewelry.

Related: Here are 10 of the queerest Christmas gifts you can give this year

We also realize that Amazon has its own serious labor issues, so conscientious shoppers might just use this list for ideas and then purchase them elsewhere.

Don we now our gay apparel

This Happy Holigays sweater is a rainbow-colored nightmare before Christmas.
Assault people’s vision this holiday season!

If you like to literally wear your queerness on your sleeve (or your legs or ears), there’s a slew of rainbow-colored items to brighten your day, including various rainbow hoodies — and some that are more political and one with the lesbian, LGBTQ, bi, trans, and pan flags spelling “HUMAN”; a pair of socks with rainbow calves, a light-up LED rainbow fedora; a super-ugly “Happy Holidays” sweater available in nearly every color (there’s also an ultra-tacky Christmas tree sweater if you want to visually assault your friends).

You can also sport a rainbow-splattered romper; some rainbow-stud earrings; some faux-fur rainbow leg-warmers; a rainbow headband/wristband set and — if you’re feeling educational — a plain black t-shirt that explains each color of the Pride flag.

Out on the prowl

Instant gay accent product is really just breath spray
“Have you ever lusted to talk like a homosexual, dahling?”

If you’re looking to make your nights out on the prowl a little gayer, we’ve got a few must-haves for your hot little hands. Style your ‘do with some rainbow-colored hair chalk, splash on some gay pheromone cologne, then check your face (or spy on others) with a rainbow-colored handheld compact. Afterward, strut your stuff on the dance floor with any number of gay fans bearing various words like “Yasss,” “Daddy,” and “Slay,” then get ready for a kiss with an “Instant gay accent” mouth spray (it’s just breath freshener).

Homo-decor

This pink bar of soap literally says
Now you can have a gay bar in your own home.

For the home, you can dine with multicolor stainless steel flatware, wash up with a literal gay bar of soap, get inspired with a rainbow-studded leather bible cover, dazzle your mate with a reversible-sequin rainbow heart pillow or a rainbow-LED motion-detector light for your toilet bowl as you get wet behind your rainbow 3-D shower curtain.

If you’re planning an overnight stay, pack your overnight grooming products in a rainbow-colored toilet bag, dry off with a stylish rainbow-gradient towel and fall asleep with the person of your dreams in a rainbow-colored sleep mask while you doze off to the glow of a unicorn-shaped nightlight or a rainbow-colored light- and sound-therapy speaker.

No matter what you pick up, remember to save some money to donate to charity.

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