‘Tis the season… for panicked last minute shopping for stocking stuffers and office party gag gifts.
As the designated queer person in the room, the expectations are high. Are you giving a present to another LGBTQ person? The stakes are even higher.
Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered with ten of the queerest Christmas gifts you can give this year.
We hear it tastes like chicken. (Not really, there’s no food inside. No mythical animals were harmed in the making of this gag.)
Because nothing says “sexy” like an underaged reindeer who looks like he has a severe cold. Pro tip: If the end of your “nose” starts glowing red, see a doctor.
Get this and you definitely won’t need idea #5. We’ll let the company describe this. Our mouths are full.
“The pumpecapple features three layers of pie and cake: a pumpkin pie baked in a pumpkin spice cake, the bakery’s award winning pecan pie baked in a chocolate cake and an apple pie baked in a traditional spice cake. Each piecake layer is separated by the bakery’s homemade cream cheese frosting. The whole Frankencake is then frosted and garnished with pecans and drizzled with homemade caramel.”
7: The RuPaul’s Drag Race Mad Libs book
You remember these from your days as a youngun’. Now you can slay the competition as you fill out little blanks with drag queen slang and bad puns.
6: An only slightly homophobic shirt
Make new friends at airport security as you insinuate that the “friendly” officers are gay for patting down your genitals. Be sure to take off your shoes!
5: A beer belly for wanna-be bears
Couldn’t eat the entire pumpecapple? This “dadbod belly waist pack” can help you live out your inner bear dreams. The maker says it has “adequate storage space” which is convenient when you’ve already stretched your actual belly at dinner and it’s time to take home the leftovers.
Everyone needs to keep their pants up, right? At least some of the time. Still, do you want the world to know your gender based solely on the strip of fabric or leather around your waist? These confusingly named “unbelts” may be made in China, but the website describes them as “progressively-made no-bulk belts for women of all sizes.” We’re not sure how that’s genderless, but they show a male model on their website and the company’s publicist insists they are in repeated press releases.
Who hasn’t mysteriously lost their underwear somewhere and been left wondering what to do? Why not dump some water on a cloth pellet and watch magic happen? Remember, in an undies emergency, damp underwear is better than no underwear. Or something.
2: Knee-high ugly gay unicorn socks
Sure, ugly Christmas sweaters are a thing now, but what about ugly gay Christmas socks? It’s about time someone got creative! Speaking of creative, the same design comes available as crew socks for both men and women.
1: A genderless statement of mild interest
Make it a holiday to remember when you give your sweetie this generic statement of ownership and mild interest. Engagement ring? Too cliché. Actual jewelry? Too expensive. Here’s just what you need when you know that the person you brought to holiday dinner probably won’t be there next year.