By Maureen Gill
There’s a lot of talk about the biblical definition of marriage and the family; however, I can’t find where those terms are explained anywhere in the bible.
Nonetheless, a careful reading of the Good Book provides some basic guidelines that clearly warrant some discussion.
In both Genesis I and II we see a unique parenting by the Ultimate Unwed Single Parent: God. In this model there is no marriage, and apparently no sex either, as God performs like a sponge, an entity capable of sexual and asexual reproduction.
In Genesis, God is the perfect model for a petulant asexual parent arrogant enough to think children don’t need two parents. In this model we have a celibate male cloning children in any image he prefers, setting them up for failure and callously blaming them when they screw up. We can see in God’s actions many universal parental statements such as “you didn’t get THAT trait from ME… it must have come from your Uncle Beelzebub…”
Genesis also provides a family model, although not one I’d recommend since it begins with an excess of incest and a dose of fratricide – and your local state’s attorney won’t be too keen about either (just as a heads up, OK?).
Erring on the side of charity, however, which by the way is also biblical in case you forgot, we should forgive Adam and Eve and their progeny for complicating our lives since they were obviously abandoned by an asexual emotionally distant single parent who failed at home schooling and had the bad judgment to try to control their behavior by tempting them with a talking snake and a piece of fruit: definitely not the best way to shape the morality of children in their most tender years.
Such training can produce extreme phobias, paranoia and even eating disorders.
As we progress through the bible we encounter more marriage models – many of which begin at the birth of the child or shortly thereafter when the child’s father or other male owner decides to cement the bonds of kinship (again, more incest), close a business deal (when dad would rather not part with a camel), or rather capriciously just wants to screw with the kid’s life (“I’ll have no 9-year-old daughter of mine refuse to marry a 68-year-old goat herder! Keep it up and I’ll sell you into real slavery!”).
Then of course there’s the ever-entertaining form of marriage that begins with the hunt, capture and rape of young virgins such as we are given to study in the Book of Judges (21:19). The problem with this, however, is it can definitely get you 5 to 20 in most states. However, as we move ever forward to a theocratic model of government I suspect this kind of courtship might once again be in vogue. Won’t that be fun?
No study of biblical marriage is complete without a look at Levirate marriage wherein the brother of a deceased man is obligated to marry his brother’s widow. Clearly, this can get dicey for a number of obvious reasons but the most obvious one may be the question about what happens if the surviving brother is already married.
Luckily, the bible has an answer for nearly every contingency which brings us to polygamy and the circle is now complete: we’ve gone from unwed Divine fatherhood to the ultimate human, albeit male, form of biblical marriage – an old fart with a stable of wives.
Mormons tried to reintroduce polygamy into modern western civilization in the 1800s but Americans rejected the idea (although there are Mormons who still practice polygamy and we all know about it and just try to pretend we don’t). Perhaps we should just make polygamy legal. Think about the social and economic advantages of making each millionaire take responsibility for a minimum of 20 unwed, unemployed mothers. Well, just think about it OK? We don’t need to make a decision about that today.
Finally, we have the open, progressive marriage modeled by Sarah (Gen 16) who arranged for her husband, Abraham, to fornicate with her maid, Hagar. Of course, she later handled it rather badly but nonetheless it seems her original intentions were quite… shall I say “biblical”?
Unfortunately, such largesse is not accorded women by their husbands. Women who take lovers tend to be stoned to death. What can I say except once again we might want to consider the benefits of stoning because, as barbaric as it may be, it has the immediate benefit of reducing the backlog in our divorce courts, will solidify us as a true theocracy and hey, what the hell, if we’re really lucky we can even blame it on Obama.
Clearly, gay marriage is not covered in the bible, but why would it be? Marriage in the bible doesn’t emphasize the most basic human need of all: love.
Gee, who’d a thunk?
Related articles:
Filed under: Views & Voices
Florida teen fighting criminal charges related to same-sex relationship
Linda Harvey: Gay news sites trick kids into becoming gay
Wash. florist who refused flowers for gay couple’s wedding files suit against state
Texas judge enforces ‘morality clause’ to split up lesbian couple
Catholic school: Transgender student must wear girl’s graduation gown
Another Ore. bakery refuses to provide wedding cake for same-sex couple
Graham threatens to pull support from immigration bill if gays are included
Matt Barber tweets homophobic cartoon of gay man tricking Boy Scout into sex
UPDATED: Police call fatal New York City shooting an anti-gay hate crime
Russian police confirm man was tortured to death because he was gay
Parents sue S.C. hospital over child’s gender assignment surgery
Scottish cardinal to atone for sexual misconduct with younger clergy
BREAKING: French president signs marriage equality bill into law
BREAKING: Minn. governor signs marriage equality bill — ‘Love is the law’
Everything is bigger in Texas – even the homophobia
Who cares? Any and all religious times have been edited countless times over the centuries to accomodate personal prejudices.
Some people do care, and I was going to read it, but then I just barely skimmed and stopped because I’m tired of it. People should just get along.
Great Article! Maureen McDermott Gill points out an unspoken truth. One that is certainly NEVER admitted by religious leaders or teachers.
Who cares what the Bible says! Not all of us believe it so who cares!
the bible was written by a bunch of bigots, I am still waiting people to give actual facts that back up anything that happened in the mythological book. If that is the case, I’ll wait up on Christmas eve to see if Santa Claus is real too.
I loved this. Anything satirical but with a great point is always a good read to me. An awesome example of tongue in cheek.
People seem to forget that the Bible is a history told through stories and myths…I loved the way the author of this article pointed out all the disfunction of the” Biblical Relationships”
This is what I have been saying for years. Christians and their so called “traditional” marriage begins with incest. Such ignorance.
isn’t it sad that these same “christians” brain wash their children into thinking mythical creatures are real?
God Made us ALL Gay & Str8 & he love’s us !!! Curtis & Pat Partners for 28 years. Live in Birmingham AL.
Thanks People how is every one ??
good article
The bible contradicts itself so much about everything, it’s really sad that people buy into it so much. Like supposedly jealousy is a sin, but God is a jealous God….. boo hiss
well if marriage begins with incest and by all technicalities we are all brothers and sisters then so be it the planet is full of incest when you think of it thay way
Christianty never appealed to me. Its boosters always, in my life, seemed so full hate, and I was raised atheist. Much later I became a Buddhist. Through it all, I have been an American. Please stop all this bible thumping. Its the Constitution, stupid. The Constitution is for all of us. Your bible is not.
As t former ‘pastors wife’ of a gay pastor, I can only say that I am thankful of having my blinds drawn back on the hypocrisy of religion in general. Any religion. I understand that some desire or need that in their life. And I fully support them. But I refuse to be a sheep any longer. Excellent article! Sharing on all of my networks.
The only passage that even remotely addresses the one man and one woman “traditional marriage,” is in Paul’s letter to Timothy (and one to Titus) wherein he writes something about a church leader being the husband of one wife. Implying that there were other acceptable arrangements even in the early church. But I’m with others above. The bible is irrelevant in any meaningful way in addressing social issues.
This is my opinion, I believe that the Bible fully contradicts itself, and not to mention, people that still believe the Bible was written by God himself need a wake up call, it wasn’t directly written by God, it was written by Men… if it was written by God, why would he write about his own death?
Hmm…. well, the Bible does have some pointed things to say about homosexuality itself, but with that in mind – who the fuck cares? Not everyone believes the same thing others do – and not everybody buys into Christianity.
I’m a Christian, but not a homophobe. I think LGBTQ people are pretty legit. I AM one. If I don’t force my religion down other people’s throats, it’d be nice if the Christians who did would get the idea.
Adam they don’t and they won’t. The Southern Baptist’s purport that if you die and you’re NOT a Southern Baptist, you will perish to Hell…
I would choose hell if I had a choice between hell with my gay friends and heaven with a group of Southern Baptist bigots!
I wouldn’t say they wouldn’t.Why do tolerance groups exist to counteract homophobia, racism, sexism, xenophobia, all of that? To support those who are affected by it, of course, but also to show the people responsible for those horrible institutions that what they’re doing is wrong. It’s not just gay marriage we’re fighting for, it’s the promotion of tolerance. Everyone can change for the better, and that includes people who use religion to repress others.
I was one of them, once upon a time. Look at me now. =D
Love is love. God is love. I think he evaluates your heart and soul rather than sexual reference when marrying.
-Lezzy hippie
God loves all of his children. So should we.
I thought tongue and cheek was supposed to be a lot more subtle… this just sounds bitter.
With all due respect of the context here, I belong to those who don’t ascribe to the biblical definition of anything…marriage or otherwise. As I’ve said before, these are not the United States of christ or the christian States of America.
Believing the bible is like believing Grimms Fairy Tales!!!
I believe the Bible. I just don’t agree with some people’s interpretation of it. Some people make it agree with their way of thinking.
The problem is that people pick and choose what they want to follow or believe from the bible …. if people actually took the bible as “gospel” so to speak, then they couldn’t eat shellfish, or wear cotton/poly blends or plant different crops side by side without being stoned to death. Soooo what they do is pick one statement to support their bigotry and leave the parts that they don’t want to follow by the wayside. So either it is meant to be strictly followed (which means all of it) or it isn’t. If it isn’t then using one statement out of a complete section and forgetting the rest is hypocritical.
Woke up early got a good workout, went to church, and now visiting my parents :) Good Sunday!
What the bible says or doesn’t say is as important as what Harry Potter says or doesn’t say. All fictions written by mankind.
Who the hell cares what an ancient book cobbled together by the Catholic Church over 1500 years to cement its power, says about anything?
I should have said religious tomes in my post…someday I’ll pay attention to spell check.
I have looked and never found anything either. I think these fundamentalist churches made it up and added it to their Bible’s.
ahhh interpetition